Asher Daniel Chappell

a new chapter in blogging

I didn't expect or plan on taking such a long break from blogging but it was much needed and when I went to start back again, I just couldn't post on here for some reason. It was almost like this blog was sacred (in a dedicated to; in honour of type of way, not in a religious sense) and so it was then that I started a new blog. Not to forget this one or close a door but just in a way to organize my thoughts and better convey and encapsulate the life I now live. 

This blog has been a dear friend and a tool of untold and told healing for the past 3 years. I love this blog and will keep it and treasure the words written from a broken heart and marvel at the testimony of healing God has worked in me and my family.  I can't say enough to those of you who have left all 1600 comments here for me and for all you silent type who I know are reading and there for me as well. 

But I am so excited about the continued journey and that I am back to blogging once more. Except it will be at a different place now. 

http://www.caseychappell.com  

(I'm also a part of my family's blog at http://www.ninenichols.com ) 

10.4.T. { update on life here lately }

Well, I normally like saving these for fun random lists... but life is soooo random right now I thought it would be perfect! 

1. Zoe is pretty much potty trained. She just started coming to me and letting me know when she had to go and wa-la! the girl is going most all the time. If we don't check on her early enough in the morning then she might wet her diaper... but generally she's holding it even at night. funny though, #1 #2 and passing gas are all the same to her right now, so if she has some gas going on... it's A LOT of trips to the potty for us until she gets relief! :o) But I'm really proud of her. 

2. We had a wonderful time visiting family in Kalamazoo (yeah, I always thought it was a fiction Dr. Seuss place before I got married)  It's always a joy going up there for me because there is a laid back pace of life there that reminds me of Alaska and there are generations of family up there on Dan's side whom I always find fascinating to visit with. I made a slideshow of that visit you can see here  http://www.poiemaphotography.com/kalamazoo/

3. Dan started summer school. 3 one week intensives back to back!! whew! It's a good thing he's smart and enjoys the subject matter because it would be pretty rough otherwise.  

4. I really need to write to Jack's parents but it's really been hard for me to. I really don't know what to say except to update them on his development. I got a letter from his dad thanking us profusely for taking care of his son for him.... and I wish I could say your welcome, but I don't feel like I'm doing it for the dad... I'm doing it for Jack. Of course I know ultimately we're doing it so that God can touch lives in all this. But I guess I'm just telling you, it's hard sometimes. I want to tell his parents off sometimes because of their foolishness they are missing this wonderful boy's life. But then where is the grace?? I have to trust that this is all in God's All Capable Hands. Pray that I find the words to say in my letter.... I think about it several times a day, I just can't find the words yet.  

5. I really like staying on top of what's going on in our nation's government but lately I'm finding that it produces fear and stress and frustration in my heart. You don't hear the full story on any news station and there are soooo many different opinions on everything it's maddening. So, I'm having to step back from watching TV about that.  Two Christmases ago I got Dan the complete series of The West Wing TV show and we finally finished it all a few weeks ago. I love that show! It was really educational for me and having Dan being the ex-political science major that he is was very helpful!! I cried several times in the shows but for much deeper less outwardly sad reasons.  I will say it was nice to watch a show that you didn't have to worry that when people were talking in cars that another car was about to crash into the side of them or that a bomber was sneaking into the building. So... very relaxing to watch and had so many of my most favorite tv actors in it. 

6. I'm officially moving my 111 goal to November 11th 2011. Still keeps me accountable but is giving me the freedom to really try to figure out what's behind some other health issues I'm dealing with (hives!) Thanks to so many of you who have given me great suggestions and helpful tips and advice. I really appreciate it and take them to heart!   

7. Jack is crawling EVERYWHERE!!! It's like he has an inner magnet for trashcans, toilets, and anything paper he can rip up. Totally boy! He's growing so fast and really becoming fun to interact with. Although I can't seem to feed him enough. He's always hungry. Whereas skinny Zoe doesn't eat near as much and won't gain weight for anything. She loves her some avocado though!! :o) 

8. Zoe saw a bug the other day and now she's petrified to walk on the ground. She wants me to carry her everywhere. Any spot or hair or anything she believes to be a bug. Now, how she knows to be afraid of them already... I do not know. But how do you convince a toddler that bugs aren't on the floor? It's tough... I want to comfort but I also don't want to encourage this fear. Any help from you mom's out there is welcome!!!  

9. I'm taking a 6 month break from photography....till Jan 2011.  Yep. I just have come to a point that I need to step back and rethink, redesign, reimagine, recreate, and rest. I often tell people that I feel like I was dropped into the deep end of the pool when it came to wedding photography and somehow learned to swim because I had to. For the most part of my photography career I was working a thriving but very busy job as a hairdresser and didn't have the time to slowly build my style, workflow, business habits, and networks like so many are able to do nowdays.  And honestly, after losing Asher something in me changed. I want to get more out of my photography. I want to portray my heart. In the wedding business it's Very easy to get caught up in the must get check list and the craziness of the day that you forget what you love about what you do. I think I was starting to lose that. But I LOVE weddings and capturing them is very rewarding. So, That meant taking time off to really focus on the changes I needed to make personally, at home and in my business.  So, here I am just barely into my time off, and my mind is already benefiting from it. I think I have several months to go before things start shaping up and really displaying what I want from this job.... this side job! For so long home, family, my walk with God, other hobbies,  me.... have taken a back seat to the hecticness of 2 service based jobs that I juggled. I didn't have much to give those other aspects because I was giving it all to my clients..... Which I love!! But I have to find a way to make those other things a lot more predominent in my life and have shooting really just be an outpouring of the creativity that builds up in me over my days of taking care of my family and home.  Okay, this probably could be it's own post but oh well,  now you know! :O) 

10. In light of all that, I find myself wanting to learn so many things that I never have before. I want to learn to really decorate cakes well because I have MANY birthdays to come in my ever growing family. I want to cook with things like fennel, celery root, figs, spices I can't spell, and such!! I want to really celebrate things..... people... events... days... I want to create memories for my family.  I want to enjoy the simple things more. I want to go camping. I want to create flower arrangements that resemble art. I want to spray paint things and decorate my home with them. And while I have to keep a balance of not making those desires idols in my life that keep me not content in where I am right now, I really want to strive to challenge myself to do some of those things when playing it safe with what I know can be a lot easier.    

Happy Father's Day 2010!!

If I had a nickel for every time someone said "you are just like your dad" I'd probably be one rich gal. :o) 

Growing up I remember him apologizing to me for that, I guess because some of the reasons that would get me in trouble or some of the crazy things I would do or think up would be very characteristic of him. I always wondered why he was apologizing... I wanted to be like him and thought that him or others saying I was, was one of the greatest compliments.  I still think that today. :o) I'm so glad I took after him. Now, mind you the more I grow as a wife and mother I see more and more of my mother in me... which is also a very good thing.  But My dad is the larger than life role model that I've always admired the heck out of.  I look very much like him... and have his strong will running through my veins. (thus the aforementioned apologizing)  However, I love that aspect about him. 

He didn't have a traditional childhood, he lost both parents before he was 10, he served in the military for our country, he fought against racism as a police officer... even when it meant losing friends, he left a successful career to go into the ministry, he took 4 small children 4 thousand miles away from everyone they knew to carry the gospel to Alaska, he loved and served a small church for 18 years there, He raised his daughters to love the home and to love their mom and all she stood for, he taught his 6 boys how to be masculine men and men of God. He has showed so many what the meaning of loyalty and faithfulness means. He has loved... sometimes not being loved back... but he has always loved. 

 His life hasn't been a walk in the park. He has walked through suffering, rejection, confusion, violence, betrayal... and has responded to those things as one who trusts a loving God, responding with forgiveness, humility, kindness, courage, and compassion.  I remember calling him when we found out about Asher's diagnosis and we just cried together but he said to me, "Casey, this is the time to cling to your faith and your theology... it's not just words in a book.... it's your strength and your life.... you hold fast!"  And we did.  And he did. And he led my family to do so.  

He has led a full life already..... and I think that's just the beginning. Having 9 kids is a lot... but being a grandpa to all the grandchildren those 9 will Lord willing bring into their families... That's a lot!! I can't wait for my babies to be able to learn from him and be able to go on all sorts of adventures with him. I know he will keep them laughing and loving.  

Dad.... You're amazing!! I really REALLY love you so much. I'm so glad God has brought me to where I'm near you again. You're my hero in 1,000 different ways.  

 

 
 

Today I know doesn't just celebrate MY dad.  I'm so blessed to have a loving and very loyal father in law, that I'm still getting to know more and more each year.  Dan's favorite things to say about his growing up was that his dad was there for every game of his.... every one.  Still to this day, his dad will come to the games Dan coaches to show his support.  My daughter has great taste in people and at the very top of her list is "Bampa" He hung the moon in her eyes. I mean, if grandma walks in the door first she will almost immediately get a confused look on her face and start demanding where Bampa is. It's so funny. But I just love watching them play and bond together.  I love Mr. Chappell's readiness for adventure and desire to experience and see new things.... part of which made him able to pick up from his life long home and move here to Texas. 

I love you Mr. Chappell. I do more than you know. I'm so grateful that you're here in our lives. I know the world has so many pressures and images of what success is and looks like. But you love the Lord and still seek to understand all sorts of aspects of your faith, you've raised 3 children and loved them and gave them opportunity in life, and you've been in a loving marriage that truly is for life, and you have a magical touch when it comes to your grandchildren.  That my dear father in law... is Success. And have I mentioned I love you!!! 

I LOVE Zoe's Birthmom!

We walked into the Appleby's, both Dan and I a little nervous. Would she show up? Would she cry? How would Zoe act? We were seated and we waited for her while feelings of gratefulness and protectiveness both churned inside our hearts. This woman had given us our daughter. We had visited with her in the hospital, but those moments had been so lightly tredded on because nothing was for sure. Now, everything was for certain... we are zoe's parents forevermore. Her birth mom was also forevermore living with her decision.... no going back. 

 She came in a bubbly vibrant woman! Her excitement at seeing Zoe was obvious to all... and I do mean ALL who was in the restaurant. I think it was her outgoing loud demenor that made Zoe immediately want to go to her. She has a very disarming way about her that reminded me of why I was immediately in love with her in the hospital and why I wept so fiercely during the moments of her leaving zoe in the agency's care. I like her. She would have been a good mom to zoe. But good wasn't enough for her... she wanted better for her little girl. And she wanted better for her older daughter. And that wish involved sacrifice. It was so refreshing to sit here 18 months later and hear her speak of no regrets and retell the story of how she knew we were "the ones" and how meeting us the day zoe was born only confirmed that. She said she kept praying before she met us for us to be as wonderful as we were in our letter to her.... she said her prayer was answered the day we walked into that hospital room. :o) I felt so loved... by her and by a very good God.   

As we ordered lunch and played with zoe, we talked about her life, our life and all that God was doing in each. Zoe's birthmom "S" was doing Wonderful!! God was doing all sorts of great things in her life and she is really reaching for goals in life and in business. She shared her business dreams with us.  Girl, I hope you do it!! Zoe and I will be there for you on opening day! 

We did get many looks, some of confusion as I could almost see the gears turning from them trying to figure out the connection at this table, some of sweetness and admiration. It was a very special time for all of us.  

I've wanted to blog about this ever since that day... but a part of me just couldn't write it down. I mean, I can talk about it all day long, but I think I've come to realize that typing on this blog really is dumping elements of my soul that is hard to reach... even for me. So, while I'm glad to have this recorded and have it to share with you... the process of getting it written out is at times emotional and exhausting. It's almost like the well of where I store things that are precious and painful and meaningful and hard and confusing and especially the things that I feel are things that I alone must feel or carry... that well is getting deeper and tougher to dip into. I don't know much about things like this... maybe it's normal... maybe it's settling but just deeper.... maybe I have issues... who knows.  But I do know that there are moments that I am able to "go there" it's just a very rare day...  which I battle knowing if that's God mercy or my hardness.  

But right now... in this moment. I'm happy to go there, I'm happy to try to share just a bit of what my heart felt that day a few weeks ago. I'm happy to let you know more about this person who God brought into our life in such an amazing way.  "S" I love you! You have a permanent place in my heart. And I'm so proud of you and grateful for your gift of love to this family. 

 

  

 

 

 

 

   

   

 

10.4.T. { Affections }

Affections... that term has been brought up a lot the past few weeks... at small group, at church, in Dan and my conversations... It's an element of my Christian walk that has great highs and lows. I'm really desiring to grow in this area and to be conformed into one who has much more consistency in my passionate pursuit and love for God. 

One question that's been super helpful in examining what is helping and hindering that maturing is what stirs your affections for God and what steals your affections for God.... 

So, I'm going to list 5 things that steal... and 5 things that stir.  

Things that steal....... 

1. Expectations.  I remember early on in life being challenged in this area. From birthdays to day to day life with roommates, from friendship to marriage, from dreaming about what lay ahead in life to the stark reality of the here and now, Expectations have crept into my heart and some have seemed to settle in for the long haul. Expectations are definitely an affection stealer... Big Time. I'm really grateful though that I've been surrounded by parents and wise counselors that have tried to engrain into my head and heart that I can't have expectations. I don't deserve them. That may have gotten under your skin a little just now, but it's true. Christ paid for the only thing I really deserve in life and everything else is icing on the cake (or should I say at least an element of the icing ....it may look/feel more like the beating of butter or whipping of cream... but it's for a sweet end.) 

2. Malls....Fancy Ones  Now, I'm not one for mall shopping or window gazing and thus I normally wouldn't put this as one. But here lately it's not the things in the stores that have grabbed my affections but the people walking besides me in that mall. They have their arms full of bags, often are dressed stylishly, gabbing with a bunch of friends having a blast, treating their kids to fancy clothes from name brand stores, getting makeovers at makeup counters.... you get the picture. It's affection directed at a life that appears better than mine.... appears wealthy, not wanting for anything, living high on the moment.  I know life isn't as it often appears so I leave knowing that I have everything I need for true happiness. But this is a list of things that TRY to steal that knowledge and the affections that are to be directed at God. 

3. Reading Blogs.  It's terrible that this is on my list, but it SO is. To be honest it's one that I'm trying to understand and fight to have it's rightful place in my life. I love reading blogs. I love all sorts of them. And often one blog will lead to another and then another.... there are so many out there with so many great stories to tell, lives to document, photos to post, and inspiration to share.  I love my bloglines and I tell myself that it keeps them from ruling my life and time, and to some extent it does, however, bloglines can't keep them from ruling my heart. I find myself wanting to write like someone else, to live like someone else, to shoot like... to shop like... to decorate like... to craft like... to cook like.... to coupon like... to connect like someone else.  That my friends steals my affections and puts them in a spin like nothing else..... because they are spun in so many directions. I know blogging is a blessing... I mean, look at me, God's used this blog in my life in so many ways, BUT the blog world is also an affection stealer. Now make sure you hear what I'm saying, it's not the blogs that are bad... it's my heart. I've been praying for wisdom in how to guard my heart and how to READ blogs in a way that will best protect me from spinning affections.  

4. Mismanaged money.  Really this doesn't need much explanation. It's just plain and simple, when I'm not wise and thinking momentarily with money then it's not long before the affections are all being wasted on not only the things that I thought would bring me some happiness... wether it's a nice meal out and the joy of not cleaning up afterwards or the steal of a deal at Goodwill or a few extra not planned for things at T.J.Maxx or even a nice gift for someone else... my mismanaged money comes in little things that sneak up on you and you don't notice you're using money you shouldn't until it's too late. All because I don't like to deprive myself of the joy of the little things or be bound to a budget that didn't take into consideration that Target would have this item on clearance.  This affection stealer promises to love you back but instead lets you down faster than any of them....only to be there around the next corner wearing a different outfit at a different restaurant. 

5. Daydreaming. I WISH oh I so wish some of you could see what my brain is like. Sometimes I think to myself that I could really make some company LOTS of money if they would just pay me for my ideas and thoughts and plans and dreams.... I joke that I can plan other people's lives out perfectly and at times in my mind I do.  I have a vivid imagination and my mind is often going a hundred miles a minute. And I've found that especially during times where I'm desiring to slow life down and simplify my daily happenings and focus my thoughts and actions on a few more important things.... it's then when my mind wants to take over the world.....NOT think on the deeper things of God or on ways to serve others in my family or think on the great things God has done in my life thus far. It's like my mind is afraid to be still and to focus on things that really matter.... so you can see how this can and does negatively affect my times with God. I know even my own mind wars against God..... I can't wait until it's redeemed fully. But for now, I still have to fight to renew it moment by moment and day by day.  

WHew! I'm glad I can switch gears to a more glorious list.  These are the things that stir my affections for my amazing Savior.... 

1. Big Things... HUGE things. Things that are MUCH bigger than I am.  Oceans, Whales/Big Sharks (Hopefully I'd be watching these on TV or at an aquarium and not at the previously mentioned ocean) Mountains, Looking out Airplane windows, Glaciers, (okay, pretty much anything in Alaska... because everything there is BIG!)  

2. Wedding Ceremonies. I don't want to admit how many weddings I've photographed and became caught up in the moment and started crying. Not at the sweetness of the couple, mind you, Poiema couples are VERY sweet, but it's usually the vivid reminder of the covenant that the marriage represents between my God and His church (me!) The worship at weddings tends to take on so much of a deeper meaning when sang in that setting. I know many times I've been in the back of a church and sang very loudly whatever hymn or song is being sung and I probably looked a little strange to some being that one hand had a big ol' camera in it and the other was held high in praise!  

3. Ministry Families. I don't know if it's because I grew up in one or because I find such wisdom and perspective when I'm around families who have been in church ministry for a long time. I feel like I can let my hair down when I'm around these families and talk about my real frustrations about cultural christianity or my battle with legalism. The humor found in these houses is so refreshing and I get it. I always leave from their company knowing I was heard and encouraged and my heart is kindled for the Lord's bride, the Church. 

4. Trials. things that are so beyond my control that even if I were tempted to control it, it would be a joke. That helpless feeling... losing Asher, healing after a surgery or injury, the heartache of others, family conflict, a sick child, being sick myself, I could go on and on and I'm sure you could add lots to this list yourself.  All things I don't desire to have in my life but all things that I have little control over if they are to come or not, and once they do... then I have no control in making it go away. I'm left feeling helpless and very dependent. That stirs my affections for the One who is in control of every little detail and who desires us to be needy and dependent people.  

5.  Music. I've always loved music. I can't sing worth a lick but LOVE to hear others sing and love singing myself. I also love classical works and high quality musical talent. It's often moments that I'm listening to a symphony live or a huge crowd sing or the rawness of some worship or the depth of a old hymn, those are moments that my heart is stirred on a level that only music can touch.  

Now, those are my 10!!! What are yours???  Please share by leaving me a comment. 

a little gained

yep, I gained weight back this month. I don't know if I just assumed I would and so I allowed myself to or if the crazy emotional month I've had took over and I just ate what felt good at the time....probably both.

So, Ladies and gentlemen this may turn into 111 by  11.11.2011.... but whatever it takes...however long it takes... I'm on this journey. SO, don't give up on me, I'll get there. 

But I also gained a few other things this month. 

* The knowledge that having this many out of town weddings isn't conducive to quality family life at home. I have one more wedding this weekend (which I'm super excited about because they are long time friends of mine and Dan's) but I'm really looking forward to taking a break from the wedding world after this one for a while.......more about that in a coming post. 

* My photo-shop serial number. I had lost it and when I switched to a new mac I couldn't use my PS CS3 so I've been Lightroom all the way lately... which is mostly what I've always used anyway. But I have some creative projects that I want to work on this summer that I needed PS for. And I finally found the box it came in. Yeah! (moving 3 times in a year and a half will make you super excited to find anything really) 

* A Gluten Free Lifestyle. I've been going without Gluten for the past few weeks. I have had chronic hives for about 4 years and really want to find the reason behind it if I can. So, Gluten being an inflammatory food is being cut out for now. It hasn't been really difficult. I do think I've overeaten in other areas because I was compensating for not being able to have wheat....(I may or may not have gone crazy with the potatoes) which didn't help the weight loss this month. BUT I do think staying away from Gluten has helped with my hives some... I still get them and there are still a few things I need to work on trying to eliminate one at a time in order to see what helps and what doesn't.  But all in all, I think this G-Free thing is one I can live with.  (I do miss Bagels!) 

* A Better Marriage. Honestly, it's just been a heck of a month for us. We don't do too well being apart from each other for one, so there's been that. But more so, it's just been God working in us to painfully and specifically grow in areas of sanctification. I've prayed for this... and it's gotten to where I've almost told God I take those prayers back. But alas, I know better. I know there is joy beyond the pain. I told Dan the other day that pain is hard to experience but yet there is a familiarity about it that I hate but allows me not to fear it and to almost lean into it vs. running away. I guess losing a child will do that do you. Whatever it is, I'm glad God has sustained us and allowed us to feel the pain of stripping away sin and self in our marriage this month.  So, our marriage though it doesn't feel better... I know is better. 

Paul Tripp says the definition of a Biblical view of marriage is....

It’s a flawed person married to a flawed person in a fallen world but with a faithful God.“

I'm so thankful He is Faithful!!!!  Because I am not. Dan is not. But may we, in our obvious shortcomings and failures point to One who never fails and has paid the ultimate price for those shortcomings.  

Happy Mothers Day 2010

First and foremost I want to wish my mother a wonderful Mothers Day! I'm so blessed to be your daughter.

 I'm so glad you opened up your life to me at a time when life would totally change for you by having a baby. I'm so glad you decided after a day of preschool that you couldn't bear to be apart from me and you decided to take up the challenge to homeschool me. I'm so glad you gave me the gift of brothers and sisters.... and lots of them. I'm so glad you always were willing to let me follow my crazy ideas like painting the youth room or calling a piano teacher every day for weeks until she let me be her student or going to cosmetology school 4 thousand miles away from home. I"m so glad you lived a life of a pastors wife fairly open to us children...I learned so much from you that has been and will be invaluable as we prepare for ministry.  I'm so glad you sought out my heart and embraced my love for Dan and were very open and honest to be about the joys and struggles of marriage. I'm so glad you were so excited to share your wealth of knowledge about pregnancy and child bearing. I'm so glad you came and stayed with me those weeks after losing Asher. I'm so glad you've been my biggest fan in our adventure in adoption and fostering. I'm so glad you're my mother!!! 

 

uncanny how much I looked like Asher isn't it. (see pic of him on left side)

  

Many people ask me when I started to learn photography and I normally tell them that I can't remember it was so early. Because I was learning and watching my mom and her love for photography and her passion for documenting our lives. My mom LOVED to take our photos. She took tons of them. And one of my most favorites were ones she took in the bluebonnets. 

 

That, my friend, is a Texas tradition. Taking photos of your children in the fields of bluebonnets as they line the highways come springtime in Texas.  So, being the good Texan Mommy that I am. (I was born here so I can claim that) I took my children and took their photos in the bluebonnets!! 

  

 

 



 

 

I also have the wonderful blessing of having the most wonderful gift in my mother-in-law! I can't tell you how blessed I feel to have her in my life. I joke often that she fell in love with me even before my husband did. She is an amazing homemaker and a servant through and through. She too was by my side in some of the best weeks of my life and some of the darkest days of my life. I tell Dan all the time that I feel guilty for how much she serves me. But he laughs and says, Casey, she loves doing it and it brings her joy! I do believe him because it shows. She's not only the mother of my amazing husband but one of my closest friends.  I love you Judy! 

 
 

30 thousand feet and a 5K

I LOVE flying. I don't know what it is about it, but I love it.  Normally I sit on an isle seat so that Zoe and I have a little wiggle room, but this time I had a window seat (because it was close to the front and had an empty seat next to it...can't beat that!)  Well, it was such a God thing because I stared out the window almost the whole flight in awe of the beauty of the skies and the earth and the heavens from that perspective. 

Even going through the layers of clouds and turbulence somehow was showing my soul in those hours a different way to look at life.... a view at 30 thousand feet.  It's like the clouds were ready to consume us and looked as though they would once we touched them... and yes, we could feel the gusts and the pushing on the plane as it flew through them... but the clouds didn't consume the plane... they were just clouds...fluffy dark water saturated air. And we went right through them.... we had to in order to get above them.  

 

Once above them... we were able to see the fading sun vividly and see the beautiful rays of color it produced. The clouds who moments ago were ugly threats only adding to that beauty now when laid at the feet of the heavens and touched by the sun. 

Then the stars began to pop out and perfectly in place shone and displayed God's HUGENESS and greatness.  I needed to feel that. I needed to be reminded of the bigness of God. Somewhere between the little tiny dots of cars and street lights to the thousands of stars He placed in that clear sky I cried out to a very big God and told Him that I didn't understand and couldn't even wrap my head around the fact that He could hear much less care deeply about 1 insignificant person... but that I was choosing to trust that He could and does. So, I talked with Him and just told him my fears and hurts and struggles and visions and desires.  It was so very sweet. 

Then I felt it.... as we started our decent into the DFW area. I could start to make out the streets and city lights, we passed through those rough looking clouds again and let them hover over us threatening.... I felt the jolt of pavement as we landed and what was once a minuscule dot on the vast earth was now my whole world as I walked through and got my luggage and kissed my husband and loaded the car, fretted over traffic, huge shopping centers passed me by promising happiness and a new look,  restaurant signs wanting to fill my hungry tummy, and an apartment that will be all disorganized and need cleaning by the end of today.  

Traveling. Life. Babies. Family. Relationships. Sex. Work. Expectations. Schedules. Goals. Holidays. Church. Cleaning. Computers. ..... just a few of the things that demand energy from me in day to day life.  I would have added my walk with God to that list but that's honestly the one thing that keeps all those other things from consuming me, destroying me and from being the ultimate in my life. I also would have added Sin to that list too, but sin effects them all. It desires that each of those things, all of them if it takes that, would consume and destroy me and promise to be the ultimate.  That's the rub.... Walk with God and Sin.  

But I'm so glad that only the former is eternal.  Sin along with all the other things in that demanding list of things I so easily cling to will not exist one day.  Only the Joy unspeakable that comes with a relationship.... a totally undeserved relationship with Christ will remain. And that is worth living out all these other things and fighting for an eternal perspective on those things.  

While I'm grateful for the moments God gives me in the air... the reminders of His greatness... the new perspectives, I have to know that He's the same Big God down here in the mud and muck and while the clouds loom overhead. (Now, I'm know I'm sounding depressing and I know life is filled with joys and delights... I have only to look at the many blog posts I have highlighting those, but today.... in my heart right now,  Life is hard... it's mud and muck... it's cloudy and threatening.) 

A friend wrote this today after she ran a 5K yesterday and I needed this back down to earth reminder that we don't live at 30 thousand feet... above the clouds... unhindered sun and stars view...  We live here in the midst of so many things and threats and struggles. But that's the way God intended it to be.  One foot in front of the other..... 

(this is what really encouraged and hit home for me today...thanks for putting this down onto words Steph) 

Speaking of which, about that 5k.

It. Was. Hard.

I usually run 2-3 miles and it's no biggie. So either I have measured the mileage wrong in the past OR the 95 degree humidity was kicking my butt. To prove to you how difficult I thought it was, I thought I was coming up on the end and as I approached I saw it said

"1 MILE".....DONE!! Not to finish.

Here I was only 1/3 the way through and I began to think, "this may get tough." THEN we hit the VERY long stretch of shadeless, scorching, sun as we pounded the brand new black asphalt. It was HOT! And I was TIRED!
And I wasn't done yet. Not even close.

This is so much like life. This is so much like today. And I am so glad God lead me to run that race on that day. The day before Sheph's bronch.

Because I was helped to remember this...

Life is a race. And God urges us to RUN it and not just to RUN it but to go with endurance. That's the hard part.

We get surprised when the run gets hard. What happened to the leisurely jaunt through the park? Where is the breeze?

I'll tell you I was surprised. I was thinking with each step. THIS. step. SUCKS. step. I. step. WANNA. step. QUIT. step.

A lot like life. But God is not surprised that life can be hard.

In fact in books like Peter it implies we should assume life will be difficult. Not all of it, hopefully. Though I must mention that for a LARGE portion of the world, life truly began as a mission of survival and will be that way till death. There are so many who face starvation, disease, war, trauma, and others things that are unthinkable.

So I'm not trying to be morbid, just realistic. Just because you may not think life can be hard doesn't mean it won't be someday or that it isn't for most others. Again, I am not trying to depress you, just to help you be equipped to face life truthfully.

If you do venture to take such a risk, watch out.

Because you'll need a pretty big God to face it with you and come out hopeful. And you'll find out real quick whether the God you serve is the limitless God of the bible or a puny idol you have created out of your imagination and experiences, then slapped a GOD sticker on.

SO I ran and ran and ran and most of the time I wanted to give up. Here is where you think, "man those marathons can be hard....oh wait, that's right it is just 5K."

But it took all of me. And as I ran in the scorching heat, feet pounding the pavement, feeling as though I may never actually see the finish line, much less run to it, I kept thinking about one thing.

I kept thinking about my life...and the finish line. My life....and the heat. My life...and the hard pavement. My life...and how the breeze would blow when least expected, giving me a refreshing boost to keep going. My life...and the shade tree that would seem to pop up just in time to give me a break. My life... and the gracious folks holding a drink for me to grab like a spring in the desert.

It was all so much like the Christian life. There were times I really enjoyed the run. There was some shade, there was water, but there was much of it that was pure pain. And I had to ENDURE to finish well.

In Hebrews 12, God asks this of us. He not only promises his son, Jesus, to make it possible if we set our eyes on Him, but he also reminds us that Jesus, God himself, ran the very same race-actually worse.

He ran the Marathon. And I struggle to run the 5K. And he promises He has been there and will run this one with me.

SO I am filled with hope. Because as I ran, every ounce of me longed for the finish line and the rest that awaited me beyond it.

As I put one foot in front of the other, all I could think about was what it would be like at the end of my life to cross the finish line and fall into the arms of Jesus.

And know it truly was finished. That all that I loved in life would be perfected. And all that was broken would be eternally fixed. And I would behold the face of Jesus forever.

What a finish line. That will truly be worth the run. 

 

Ten.4.Tues. { Mistakes I'm glad I made }

Okay, so just to clairfy... these are things that I wondered at the time if they would be a mistake or could have been a mistake or that others have told me would be or generally are a mistake. So, read on and you'll see what I mean. 

1.  Apprenticed instead of working a real paying job. 

I walked into the most popular photography studio as a teenager and told them I wanted to be a photographer and that I'd work for free if they would let me watch and learn from them. And so began my training as a photographer. The manager there at the time is now a big time photographer in california and gets featured on shows like Platinum Baby on WE. I don't really need anything, but it's nice to know that if I needed some connections in the world of photography I have them. I also spent a summer homeschooling 5 kids in Arizona in exchange for their mom training me in portraits and darkroom experience. I learned so much, not to mention I saw a godly woman balance life as mommy, wife and photographer, something I wasn't realizing I was learning at the time.  One of the best summers of my life!! I don't think I got a consistent paying job until I was 20 something. But the training and experience far outweighed what money I would have made. 

2. Went to "trade school" Vs. College right after highschool. 

Many people just assume that college is immediately what you do after 12th grade.  I left 2 months after I graduated for Cosmetology school in Indianapolis. I can't tell you how glad I am that I was trained for a skill prior to going through college. I was able to work a great paying flexible job and pay for most everything through college. Though my college experience was priceless and was where I met my husband and many others, it wasn't a place that had a lot of opportunities to gain experience in the professional world while going through school.  So I guess, my philosophy in this area would be to make sure your child has a working skill before heading off to spend 4-5 years in a classroom. At the end of college, even if they are a year or two older than most, your child then has a wealth of working experience which added to a degree is VERY helpful in the job market. I also found there isn't that pressure to make your college degree the end all for what you're going to do in life. 

3. Spent a summer on a whim. 

 A friend's husband was talking to me and mentioned that there was this camp being started up for kids and that I would be great at it. So, on a whim I signed up to be interviewed and got accepted to be on the team with Centri-Kid's first summer of camp. Now, I was one of the oldest on staff... about mid summer I realized why it was helpful to start younger...it was HARD work.  But that summer.. I discovered so much about myself being around 20 others who were also in the process of figuring out life. I had 20 styles of music to listen to, ( <3 they might be giants to this day!) 20 personalities to mesh with, 20 ideas to consider in almost everything since it was such a new program, 20 people who had 1 goal that summer... show Kids the love of Christ.  Little did I know that I wouldn't go on to be some big church's children's director like I had hoped at one point, but that I WOULD meet one of my best friends that summer and so many other amazing friends. Little did I know that I would suggest another friend to sign up the next summer and he would end up meeting his wife there. This summer had really nothing to do with what I was to do the rest of my life but WAY more about who I was to become.  *sidenote: This camp is an AMAZING camp to send your kids to. a little pricey but VERY Top Notch!!  

4. Fell in love with a man who I knew could become my spiritual leader.   

Of course every woman is taught  to date/marry someone who can already lead her spiritually, I was no different. That was probably first on my "list of requirements". And biblically it's something I think women should strive for.  I met Dan just weeks after he became a believer and I was pretty confident he was the one for me. However, each time we would get to the defining talk in our relationship he would aknowledge that he wasn't at a place where he could lead me biblically, and he was probably right.  But just the fact that he was able to admit that, made me know that he was someone that was on a quest to figure out what that looked like and how he could grow to be that man....and his actions proved so. During this time God was definitely working on me in many areas that I would have to change in order to become his wife..... so, he married someone "in the works" as well. But when I look and see who Dan is today and who he was when I met him.... I'm in awe of God's working in him. He leads me so well and his knowledge of God and His word is vast and ever growing. Honestly, I could never have actually known for sure what kind of leader he would be when I married him, there was lots of unknowns... and to say that God gave me a hunch would be kinda silly... but somehow I knew and God had given me wisdom and a peace in my soul that this man, was to be my husband. { thank you for loving and leading me so well Dan, You are a beautiful picture of Christ to me.  I love you with ALL my heart!!)  

5. Got Married with Debt   

Okay, so I don't recommend this to others on a typical basis, but hear me out. Dan and I both had debt when we got married and neither of us really knew how to handle finances well. We knew bringing debt into the marriage wasn't wise but it was such that we either didn't get married for a LONG time or get married and figure out how to get out. For about a year after we got married I discovered that I had been making getting out of debt an idol in my life and my marriage. I was horrible to Dan on many occassions because our finances weren't where I wanted them to be. Finally, something clicked and I was convicted of that, and I realized that God wanted to use this journey of learning how to use our money and possessions to glorify Him not to aquire comforts or desires. I don't know that I would have had that really sink in had we not had such debt.  Almost 6 years later now, we are still working on becoming debt free but we have learned so much and think that once we are debt free the temptation to go back will be far from us due to this journey... and we'll have God to praise for providing and getting us through. (Also, it was AMAZING and only an Act of God's people that we who were in debt were able to afford to bury our son and adopt a little girl privately in a few months time...Only God!!! we can't take the credit.)  

6. Had friends live with us for a year  

When we had two friends who were looking for a way to simplify their living situations and we had extra room where we lived, we invited them to come live with us. Now, if you would have asked me a while back I would have told you that it probably would be a mistake to have 2 single girls move in a live with a young married couple. But nothing could be further from the truth. It was such a great time of fellowship with them and honestly, I think it brought out the best in both Dan and I as well. They were so helpful in housework and always seemed to know when we needed someone to visit and talk with and also when we needed some space... of course when living with singles, they are almost always on the go so you are usually wanting them around more often than less.  Dan and I really got to know these two gals so much better and I love them very much and so enjoyed watching God work in and through their lives that year.  Would I live communually again, you betcha! Anyone, want to come live in a small apartment bedroom?  ;o) 

7. Didn't choose the closest church to home 

 In college I visited 12 churches before deciding on a small country church almost an hour away. I drove there often twice a week and sometimes more... normally staying all day on sundays. But that church, and those people there impacted my life in a major way. I learned so much there about loving people...where they were at, not ness where I wanted them to be. I learned about endurance and watched God change and grow lives over a period of years....and still am watching. They brought out best in me in so many ways. for that I'm grateful.  Then Dan and I decide to be a part of a church plant in Raleigh but we lived in Wake Forest... thus another 30+ minute drive. But that was okay. it was worth being there from the beginning. (more about TCC in #10)  Now, we live in Fort worth and drive almost an hour to get to church. Why, so many ask, when there are churches by the dozen nearby. yes, but already in the short time we've been at the Village we have grown there, and been taught and exposed to scriptures in ways we've never been, ways of doing ministry that we've never seen, and really have thought through why we have chosen this church and this group of people. I really believe that those things will be priceless when it comes...if it comes time for Dan and I to be in ministry in the local church as a vocation. But for now, and probably for the first time in my life, I'm totally content with being a very small part of the whole and feeling the freedom but also the responsibility of being just  a church member. 

8. Made my best friends my business partners 

 I've mostly been a one-woman show when it came to business. But when I started in Wedding Photography I realized I couldn't do it all by myself. So, I recognized a talented eye in my best friend and quickly snapped her up and taught her as fast as she was willing to learn... which was FAST! Then my other best friend borrowed my point and shoot one week and when she returned it I was looking through the pics she took and knew she had a look that both Ang and I were missing.  I thought "I've never heard of a 3rd shooter at a wedding" but that didn't stop me and soon the duo became a trio. And we've had an amazing 4 years shooting together! Now, at times it would have been easier to have a person come in that was already striving to be a photographer and one that wasn't so emotionally connected to me, so that when corrections needed to be made or moments get tense and stressful on the job it would just be business as usual. I think that's what most business people would tell you to do. But I'm so glad I didn't do that because I know these girls so much deeper now than I ever did before and we share a love and lots of experiences that we'll be laughing and talking about for years to come.  I can't wait to see all God's going to do in their lives with this amazing talent of theirs for capturing a moment in time and displaying it beautifully for the world to see and enjoy. 

9. Moved into a "bad" area of town 

It was a small bungelow on Seawell Ave in Raleigh..... the next street over was Idlewild and it was definitely wild! It was a struggling area that is trying really hard to restore the old abandoned houses and build bright colored ones in their place. That didn't stop the prostitutes from walking our street or the drug runners from riding their bikes up and down many times a day. But we moved in and thankfully had wonderful friends living right next door who had already gotten to know the area and it's inhabitants well. Never in my life would I realize how much I would miss such a "bad area" when we moved away from it.  I loved living there. I made "friends" with those who walked the streets and fed those who rode their bikes.  It was home. Once we moved here, searching for a house to buy was really challenging because I had that scene fresh on my mind... could I make it in these perfect suburbs? The need for Christ is still there it's just not often on your doorstep needing a bath and food.  We ended up not buying for many reasons and I'm okay with that. I still have in my heart that there are areas here, if God keeps us here longer, that I'd want to invest my life in, areas that others would classify as a "bad area" of town,  but an area that I could call home yet also reminds me daily that this world will never be our true home.   

10. Shared my deepest sin struggles and heartache with close friends and pastors.  

I know from growing up in the ministry that sharing and being open about sin and struggles and weaknesses can really bite you back. The church isn't a place that a lot of people know as a place where weakness can be exposed and others can encourage but not judge you.  But when Dan and I found ourselves like most marriages in a place where we couldn't see rightly and didn't know how to climb out of a pit of sin and baggage and idols in our lives, we thankfully were in a church that we knew would embrace us yet help us to kill sin and to fight for joy in our marriage and home. Dan is one of the most open and honest people I know when it comes to submitting to leadership and confessing sin he is being convicted of. So, his example of this really gave me freedom to be open and transparent about my pride and pain. Our church, our friends have embraced us, loved us, cried with us, prayed for us (this is HUGE), kept us accountable and most of all empathized with us as those who also fight sin and temptation and a constantly battle for who will be God in their lives and in their moments.  It's not popular to look and confess to being weak...especially when you're in ministry positions. But I can't tell you how freeing and how helpful it is when you don't have to fake the Christian life and act like things are fine when they aren't.  We all need this in our lives, I'm just so glad we needed it sooner than later. And, to know that even on our "best day" we still need God's grace and the accountability and love of His body, the Church. 

10.4.T. { Family }

I thought my 10 for Tuesday would be all about my family today. Which is perfect because I have 8 brothers and sisters and then my parents and parent-in-loves make 10! 

I'll start with the parents and work my way down.  

1. My in-laws! They truly have loved me from day , Dan and I joke that they loved me before he did. :o) well, regardless they welcomed me with open arms into their family.  Mike and Judy have been amazing parents and even more amazing grandparents. They picked up their life of 30 years in North Carolina and moved here to be near us and to help with the kids... and they've done so with great joy! I'm very grateful for them. They have the gift of hospitality and servants hearts and I've been a recipient of that blessing countless times. 

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about. - Angela Schwindt"

2. My parents! If you would have told them when they first got married that they would have 9 kids, live in alaska for 18 years, and be in the ministry they would have probably called you CRAZY! But that's exactly what God had for them and they were beautifully obedient in those callings. Dad has poured himself  and his talents and his love for the God into my brothers and to the men he befriends. He knows so much about hunting, fishing, archery, guns, etc.... I remember reloading shotgun shells and helping build flyfishing poles when I was like 11.  (thank goodness he had some sons come along...no telling what I'd be doing now if not.) Mom is one of the most industrial and creative person I know. I know I get much of my artsyness from her. She started homeschooling back when I was in pre-K, back when homeschooling wasn't popular; and has continued to educate and help us reach for our dreams ever since.  I get asked a lot if I'm planning on having 9 kids and homeschooling them all and I always say, Mom and Dad didn't set out to have a ton of kids or educate them a certain way but they had a willing heart to let God direct their family and parenting and lived in obedience to the path He led and opened up to them. That's what I am planning on doing. What that looks like for us in years to come? I don't know. I just strive to live today...this week according to His word.  

 

"He that raises a large family does, indeed, while he lives to observe them, stands a broader mark for sorrow; but then he stands a broader mark for pleasure, too."  - Benjamin Franklin
  

2.1/2 I was born. :o) I write all the time about me so I'm not going to now, but I wanted to give a timeline of the fam... so I am the firstborn, and 18 months later....

3. Brittany:  She and I have been the best of friends and worst of enemies throughout our life. Husbands and Roomates can vouch that don't get between us when we're in a conflict... and don't try to separate us when we need a sister to be there. (they can probably vouch for a lot more.. but we won't go there, if you have a sister... you know!:o)   Bradley is her man, He is a servant through and through and leads Britt in a strong but gentle way. They make the most adorable couple ever! And so it makes sense that they birthed the most adorable little girl ever. I LOVE being an Aunt! I LOVE Mabel. I can't wait to see her next time I'm in Raleigh.  

 

 
 

 

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. -Erma Bombeck

You can kid the world.  But not your sister.  ~Charlotte Gray

 
  4. Bubba John. I have 6 brothers but only 1 Bubba! I know he loved getting brothers because having Britt and I as big sisters can be quite the experience!!  He has always been such a peacemaker in our family and has the biggest heart of mercy! He tells the best stories.... just know that the more he tells it the longer it will get. :o) Right Sarah?! But it's funny... SO funny every time!  Sarah is the Blonde bombshell in our family. :o) She shows me all the time what it means to love and honor your husband in how she treats John. They live their lives as a ministry open to the most unexpected opportunities.  

 

A sister smiles when one tells one's stories - for she knows where the decoration has been added.  ~Chris Montaigne

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.  ~Marc Brown

5. Josh. God knew I needed this guy close by this year. He has meant the world to our family the past 9 months. We lived next door to each other for a few months and now we still live close so he still comes over anytime. He's become a friend to me not just a brother. Zoe gets SO excited when he walks in the door. And (easy girls) he is AMAZING with babies; he will sit and talk to Jack for as long as Jack wants him to.  God's really been doing a lot in his life this past year and is always leading him on paths that Josh never thought he'd be on... yet won't show him too far ahead and so Josh just trusts and obeys. That's hard for a man sometimes, But the Spirit is very evident in his life. And I'm so excited to see all that God is going to do with and in his life. I'm just glad He saw fit to put him into my life for this time.  

 

 

 The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave... --Patrick Henry-- 

6. Jeremiah Trapper. I use his middle name, which interestingly enough is one of several references to the great outdoors used in my brothers middle names, but he's the one brother that I sometimes use both names when talking to him or about him. :o)  He is SO SMART and loves to talk and L.O.L. :o)  Now, he's only 20,  (sorry Jere, when you're my age..I can say you're ONLY 20) But God has him on a fast track to maturity by bringing his wife into his life this young. I don't think I could have made it that young... but seeing them together really impresses me. Anna Loves Jere fiercely and with great loyalty. She lights up anytime he's around. :o) Jere's one of those kids that parents say, "one day he could be the president" you know what I mean parents. But truly, I do believe God has great things in store for him and Anna. I think God's going to use their life and marriage in extreme ways to bring Glory to Him..... give it time. 

 

 

"The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us to become our best while looking our worst." -Marge Kennedy
 
 

7. Jessica. She wasn't born in Alaska or Texas... she was born in China. But that's about all that's different from her and the rest of us. I've LOVED having a little sister like her. She definitely is the princess in our family * so in style * so put together * loves having a clean room * doesn't like to rough house * shops at forever 21 * loves phones...ipods...movies * 100% girl! She's so much fun and has a huge heart for helping her friends through tough times. I can't wait to see how God uses her story and her life to really impact others who are hurting and also to those who weren't born in america but now live in forever families here. 

 

An older sister is a friend and defender - a listener, conspirator, a counsellor and a sharer of delights.  And sorrows too.  ~Pam Brown

 8. Michael. This guy won't stop growing. He's SO tall. Mikey (as we call him) and his brother came into our family when they were very little. But from day one they fit in as if they had always been there. Michael is very observant when you don't think he is, and is EVERYWHERE all the time. He's always creating something unusual for his hunting/fishing/camping activities. And has recently become great at tying flies for fishing. He's a great little brother to me and a great big brother to the next two. When he first came to be in our family he was very protective of tony and watched out for him all the time even when he didn't have to. I know God will use that to make him a wonderful husband and father someday. 

 

When brothers agree, no fortress is so strong as their common life.  ~Antisthenes

9. Joel. (jo-jo) This guy.... I think he's got all the best of the Nichols genes! He's got a great sense of humor and even will crack himself up often. He always has something to teach me or share with me or explain to me. He's very literal. :o) He is a great loyal friend and loves to live life with those friends. People say he looks and acts a lot like me... but I think he's way more handsome and goodlooking! And Lord knows he's got way more patience than I do. I love his laid back personality. He's also the one guy who has taken a huge liking to Football in our family. We had a superbowl party for the first time ever in our family this year.... and it's mostly because Joel gets us into the spirit! God uses his willingness to serve others all the time to really bless our lives and I am so grateful for him! 

 

It's the merry-hearted boys that make the best men!
-- Irish proverb

 10.... and LAST but not LEAST... Tony. (the tiger...as I call him) He's definitely the baby. Now, Tony... I'm not calling you a baby, I'm just saying you're the youngest and you fit really well there. :o)  Talk about energy. Talk about friendliness. Talk about adventure. Talk about Tony!!! This kid is either running a mile a minute or he's sitting down and his mouth is doing the running.  :o) In whatever house we've lived in the past we never knew we had neighborhood kids until Tony came to town, then they would come out of the woodwork and be wanting to eat dinner with us covered in dirt! :o) What a little people person he is. And he gives the BEST hugs ever! I can't wait for my kids to get old enough to call him Uncle Tony (said with an italian accent) 

 

Between the innocence of babyhood and the dignity of manhood, we find a delightful creature of a boy.
-- Author Unknown

That's my family. I'm one super blessed woman! Happy Tuesday!

Our siblings push buttons that cast us in roles we felt sure we had let go of long ago - the baby, the peacekeeper, the caretaker, the avoider.... It doesn't seem to matter how much time has elapsed or how far we've traveled.  ~Jane Mersky Leder

 

*missing bradley! 
 

 

*missing jere, anna, bradley and Dan!! 
 

To the outside world we all grow old.  But not to brothers and sisters.  We know each other as we always were.  We know each other's hearts.  We share private family jokes.  We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.  We live outside the touch of time.  ~Clara Ortega

10 on Tuesdays Vol.2

With us having the biggest snowfall in Texas history (12.5 inches in 24 hours) it feels like it's been one long weekend since last Tuesday. I'm not complaining... because I LOVE weekends because it's time with my husband!! And this weekend was wonderful. 

1. We rented movies and actually watched them. (that's rare for us)  We watched The Hurt Locker, (surprisingly I loved it, wasn't expecting that) Couples Retreat (didn't like it... way too much arguing and awkward moments) and Love Happens. (okay, SLOW movie BUT it's a great movie about how grief affects a person and I think I was really able to relate to so much of the movie just having had lost someone, but it's not the romantic comedy I was expecting.) Love Happens had GREAT artistic videography! Hurt Locker was filmed very well too. As an artist myself I appreciate when movies take the artistic measures up a notch, August Rush was a good example of that.    

2. For Valentines day we had Champagne Truffles (my personal very favorite chocolate) and these sweet and salty brownies from a bakery in NYC (our most favorite city ever!!) They were good to have because they were dark chocolaty and rich so a little was very satisfying!   

3. Zoe was a bundle of Red and Hearts and was very ado(red) all day on Valentines Day!! Thanks Kristin for loving her with these outfits. The first outfit was actually given to us by her the Valentines we were expecting Asher... who knew 2 years later it would be worn by an adored little girl. *seeing her in it made me miss Asher but yet there was something very right about it getting worn after two very long years! 

  

 

 
 

 4. Jack, Who is 4 months old Today,  started rolling over this weekend. We'll come into his room in the mornings to find a very MAD Jack on his back and not liking it one little bit. He also is standing in the exersaucer and loves playing in there and watching his sister play around him.  

 

 

5. This month is a busy one in regards to church happenings. Dan's going to a men's retreat next weekend, we get to go through the membership meetings and finally become official, we are going to their FAM (foster and adoption) ministry meetings the next two weeks....I'm really looking forward to making connections there with families who are wanting to adopt/foster and those who have already have been doing it for a while. Have I mentioned yet that I love our new small group? I think we have like 14 ladies in it... and they are all so unique and beautiful and I can't wait to know them better and hear their stories of God's working in their lives. 

6. I am NOT a morning person... neither is Zoe. :o) We wake up nice and slow and don't like to talk much first thing. Jack loves morning time and he's so sweet that his little coo's are just what I need in the mornings to wake me up and still get my cuddles in.  Weekends are interesting.... because Dan gets up early and is ready to take on the day full force.... while I'm looking at him like he's crazy for wanting to go anywhere before noon.  

 
 
 

7. Here is what our apartment complex looked like this weekend. 

8. I LOVE LOVE organization/office stuff but am the least organized person ever! Are any of you like this... you want a room to look a certain way but if you don't have all the space /organization tools/things needed to make that happen you just live with it looking terrible? I'm really bad for that. Or you get a system...files/stickers/binders only for it to be one more thing that is unorganized and adds to your clutter?  Help me HGTV! And looking at this magazine when it comes out only makes me drool! Ultimately I think it's just something that I have to change inside of me and become more disciplined with... not just something a better system will fix. 

  
 9. This Blog post I came across this week has really impacted me and I think it's a beautiful story of a mothers love and what grief feels like (this is the closest to someone explaining what grief in a hospital bed felt like for me... yes, her loss is different than mine but grief can often look the same no matter what is lost)  I will continue to read and follow this family's journey and be encouraged to value the little things.    

10. I LOVE my husband!! Many of you know that we've been through a lot together.  We were telling my brother the other day about our dating experiences... (yes, we dated 4 different times...which meant 3 breakups!)  and  I'm a believer that God usually grows a person in certain ways before getting married... God just happen to let each of us have a front row seat to those changes throughout those first 4 years of knowing each other. God brought us from very different backgrounds and life experiences and struggles but yet put us together to live together, love each other, parent together, fight sin hand in hand and back to back, wipe each other's tears, make the other laugh, listen to our most secret thoughts, dreams, hopes and fears, encourage each other to be the best but that we don't love less when we're at our worst, to push each other out of our comfort zones when needed yet also to reel back into comfort zones when danger lurks outside them, to provide clarity when the fog has set in, to remind the other of the HOPE that is set before us and the GRACE that is needed to live this life of self-sacrifice and joy! 

I love you Dan. with all my heart! Always have. Always will. I'm so glad God saw fit to give you to me. I'm so thankful that you are the one I get to live life with. I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. Thank you for loving me....unconditionally. Thanks for being my valentine...every day. 

 * picture by Julie Kirby

Ten on Tuesdays

I'm trying this out to see if it helps me organize my thoughts more.  Every Tuesday I'd like to just share 10 things I'm thinking about or learning about or experiencing. I think this will help me journal everyday life things and thoughts so one day when I realize that life was a blur when you have little babies I"ll have more written down to remember. So here goes: 

1. I want to have a Mad Hatter Tea Party. We'll see if I can pull it off. :o) What fun would that be! I want to keep it simple but gotta love it when someone pulls off an over the top party like THIS

2. I'm really wanting to re-read all my biblical counseling books because the more I experience in life the more I'm convinced that we all need one on one consistent counseling in times of trial and difficulty. Counseling gets a bad rap and it's looked at as being weak, but both Dan and I have benefited from others taking the time to sit and hear us, listen to us but then love us enough to challenge us with the truth, God's truth of our current situation. We can get so blinded by what we feel and yet miss the Gospel and how it applies to our daily life and the changes it brings. Not that we're not to feel hurt, betrayed, lost, despairing, it's just that God is the one who is able to not leave us in that state.   

3. Jack's dad and mom have written us this week and both are really wanting to parent him and it looks like he's all they think and focus on while they are serving their time in prison. (which is very understandable) But with each letter I'm faced with  their feelings, our feelings, the truth of the situation in that they aren't probably what's best for him, the truth that he's not ours and we can't decide what's best for him, the fact that there are at least 5 families involved in his life now and they all have opinions and desires for him, the fact that I have no control in this,  the fact that I really believe God placed him in our home for right now, And most of all God knows EXACTLY what he is to become and where he is to grow up for God loves him much more than all of us combined. 

 4. Is it me, or has it become more and more of a pressure to have a "brand/logo/defined identity" as a blogger. I mean, even if you're just a mommy wanting to blog randomness.... it's like you still need to have a logo or brand or "look" that defines your randomness. I'm not saying it's all bad... but I just don't like feeling the pressure.  

5. Dan and I BOTH dreamed the other night (same night) that the other had bought a house for us without the other knowing. I woke up panicking! and then could NOT believe when Dan started telling me his dream first.  

6. Found these blogs this new year and LOVE them! The Creative Mama * Green Wedding Shoes  * How about Orange 

7. Really wanting to take more personal family photos around the house... but really want a different look and really tired of hauling the big camera with big lenses out. So I don't know...maybe I should go polaroid...or 35mm for a while. I mean, I'm even to the point that I love the iphone camera look around the house more so than a properly lit high res photo from the big cam. ....now if only I had an iphone! :o) 

8. Discovered that just by reading blogs online it doesn't inspire my creativity until I actually do one of the things I read about. Then...watch out! So, this year I really want to do some of the things that I bookmark because I think it's cool. Because then it can bless my home, family and others. Otherwise....it just sits online and I feel discouraged because others are so creative and I'm not or at least not taking the time to be. So, all you wanna be blog readers out there... do something, even if it's one project a year, you'll probably spend more time and money than you wanted to on it, but the long term benefits far out weigh that. It will bring out YOU and that's so beneficial to your family and loved ones!  This month I made THESE ! ! ! so easy. so decedent. 

9.  I can't believe I"m already to nine.....  I think the stage Zoe's at right now is simply AMAZING! She learns things in seconds. I'm feeling the normal joy that brings and the normal dread of "am I doing enough" that most parents feel as well.  I just am in awe of her and the way her mind learns and processes things. I LOVE that she LIGHTS up when she sees people she knows. She loves giving eskimo kisses as of last night when I taught her what they were. mmmmm... it's just sooo much fun. 

10 ! ! !   I don't have a single piece of my photography on my walls at home. That has to change. I think it's because I know what I want ....huge big canvases... and I can't afford them, so I do nothing. But that's not what I want my home to be, bare just because I want expensive things. So I really want to find a way to put photos on display and to be reminded of past years in each room I go in.  I really like the concept of all different kinds of frames arranged together. But just haven't made it happen..... yet. 

 

getting settled in....

....that's what I would call the past 8 months really. I'm coming to really love texas. I feel at home here. I do miss North Carolina but it's amazing how much a place can become home when your family is here.  And they do say once a texan, always a texan. So maybe it's just my good ol' texan blood in me. I was born in Houston and lived here till I was 10. (my dad was a Houston police officer before going to seminary and pastoring here)     

We moved into a bigger apartment last week. I was very grateful for the low cost of seminary housing and that served us well those first few months. However we found that with 2 small babies and me staying at home most days, we needed more space! And I really needed a dishwasher. (I will say that not having one has made me a more grateful person when it comes to loading and unloading now)  It's only about 5 miles away from my parents and Dan's parents are living in the same apartments just down the way. It also has 3 bedrooms which will really help as the kids grow... but right now that means we have a guest room. So come on and come see us, we'd love to have you in our home.  I got to paint some accent walls and let me just say I LOVE TO PAINT!! My brothers Joel and Mikey were super painters as well and will attest to my being a Nazi about how it's done. (I told them I'm preparing them to serve their future wives well :o) 

* I"ll post pics once I get all unpacked and stuff * 

Another change we are in the midst of is that Dan is taking classes this semester at Redeemer Seminary in Dallas. They have some stellar professors; this semester he's taking classes with Paul Tripp, an NYC intensive with Tim Keller, and Sinclair Ferguson, and they have a lot more classes that fit with his work schedule as a school teacher. He will probably still be taking some summer classes at SW and as needed. But he is very excited to be a part and learn from this small but well staffed seminary!  

It was a slow but busy January. I told Dan that I think the next time God gives us a baby I'd love to have or adopt a summer baby. This winter-cooped up-newborn stage-sunshine deprived stage is one that I'm ready to move on from. I really do think I suffered from some SAD this season. I grew up in Alaska and know how real that is, but I never thought I'd feel it living in Texas! But I sure am anxious for the sun to warm things up and bring out the flowers and warm air. I want to feel awake and alive!  ( I just started taking some B and D supplements and having more light in our new apt is bound to help as well!)  

We finally have a community group that we are a part of with our church!!! This week was our first week there and we left so encouraged and excited about all God is wanting to do with that group of people. It meets in the next apartment complex over from ours so it's really close by and already I feel a connection to people who before wednesday were total strangers to me because now, I have a bond and a responsibility to love and serve them. It's strange becoming a part of a group who knows nothing about us and hasn't walked the past few life changing years with us. However, I know that it's not always about the past and I can't wait to see the many ways God is going to use these individuals to walk with us in the future.  

Jack and Zoe are doing great! Zoe loves her brother but gets very territorial on him with things like the bum-bo and bottles. So those make for good teaching moments. We just bought The big picture story bible to start reading to her since she is really starting to love being read to. It's a must read for those of you with infants and toddlers. It really tells the stories of the Bible with the focus being on the greatness and bigness of God (i.e. instead of making the story of David and Goliath all about the braveness of little David it teaches of the power of God to use such an unlikely guy to defeat a man who hated God, and so on!)    

So, that's about all for now. I just wanted to take a minute and update on our life here. I have all sorts of ideas and desires to blog about lots of things but not the time or energy to make it happen right now.  

Sometimes though I read other blog posts and say... "exactly! that's what I am feeling, learning, growing, experiencing, and wanting to say."  So I'm just going to link some of those posts here and maybe they will help and challenge you this winter in whatever God is teaching you and growing inside you.  Now, some of these are not written with the perspective of living for eternity in mind and also many of them do not straight up state the hopeful everyday strength giving truth of the Gospel in times of difficulty or struggle in the mundane, but I do find that sometimes honest reflections and admissions of other mothers/photographers/writers/artists help me to see things in my own life that I may not be seeing or putting things into words that I may not be able to verbalize. So, these are just those types of posts. Nothing revolutionary or theologically deep, just echos of my heart the past few weeks put into words by other people. 

Reasons to Love February   (though I didn't lose Asher in February, sometimes I feel like this new year feels like the way she describes this month)  I do LOVE february though! 

Refining Moments   (I have so many days like this and wrestle with that tender balance )

Making the best use of your time  (I really liked her options and how she prioritized them ) 

Living in the Pre   ( I often think this. I do want to simplify life more so this coming year but I don't know yet what all that looks like for me, I"ll keep you posted ) 

There is no magic button   (I feel like I did work really hard the past 6-7 years but sometimes I wish there had been such a plethora of mature photographers/women in business willing to share their advice so openly, I think I wouldn't have had to learn so much the hard exhausting emotionally draining way and had more energy to enjoy the moment and the reward of my work) 

Everyday matters  ( I want to use my camera in this way... but haven't quite settled enough or make my personal photography work-flow simple enough to do it as often as I want to! But soon.)

Finding Self    (She often is able to put the human experience of grief into words that truly paint a picture of what it feels like) 

Joy in Sickness  (this one really helped when we were house hunting but ended up deciding not to buy this year) 

 And for the photo...which every post should have at least one! :o)

 Zoe LOVES being thrown or tossed around by her daddy! It's amazing to see the intense trust she has developed for her Daddy. I love watching her as she loves and trusts being with him anytime!! look at those eyes locked on him. 

 

** next week is completion of month 1 on the 111 challenge!! Lots to share. 

Hello 32, Shall we Dance?

I had a wonderful birthday this year. Thank you so many who spoke encouraging words to me, on my facebook, my blog, called me, and around the dinner table.  

We had my birthday dinner at my parents Saturday night. And Dad and Mom asked me to share things from growing up, like lessons learned, best gift, most embarrassing moment, and advice to the others. 

Lessons Learned: Growing up as a Preacher's Kid I really thought I was like the co-pastor of whatever church my dad was at. And those of you who know me, know that's not too far of a stretch for me. I tend to take control easily of the situations I was around... youth group wasn't doing enough activities... I planned them. didn't like the visitor packets... I redesigned them... don't ask me why I cared so much? I just did. Anyway, I liked the church scene, I think I found a lot of purpose in it. Thankfully my dad was at wonderful churches and they loved me even in all my controlling self righteousness. And now, as God has me out of church leadership for the past 5 years and in dire need of the church's love and care, He's really shown me so much more of what church is really about. 

The best gift was a suitcase I think mom and dad gave me when I turned 18. It's been everywhere with me. To other nations, To NYC many times, and countless other trips. And 14 years later it's STILL in great shape. LOVE Land's End Luggage. So, all you parents of 18-25 year olds... Give them Luggage because now is the Time they get to spread their wings and see the world and expand their love for other cultures! So, it's the best gift for a young adventure seeking person. And so it was for me. 

Most Embarrassing Moment? I think looking back it was when I was drinking soda at my first Youth outing as a young 7th grader, laughed at someone and soda came shooting out my mouth and nose everywhere and on everyone! I could NOT believe that happened so I started crying and crawled underneath the table at the restaurant and stayed there (even with kids kicking me telling me to grow up) and finally one high schooler took me out and let me cry it out in the ladies room. I can't believe I just typed that out. 

Advice for my Siblings was "never talk about your family or friends to your family or friends" in other words, I can really go off about a family member ticking me off to a friend and the next week things are forgiven and back to normal with my family but my close friends might have taken offense for me and not feel love towards my family member. And Vice versa.... Family members come to bat for each other and so it only makes sense that they might not be as restorative in the friendship once it's all worked out.   The other thing was to Pursue Adoption sooner than later.  

It was a great dinner with great purposeful conversations! Love you Family!!!!!! 

Then I had lunch yesterday with my in-laws. They always have a way of making birthdays special for us kids. I love you guys and I'm blessed with how you love me.  Then they babysat for us as we went to a Dinner and a Movie.   

Saw Sherlock Holmes.... WONDERFUL Movie. But best of all I had TIME with my husband. HE really loved on me all day and served me and complimented me. It was great. It's the simple things that I am coming to Love and appreciate.   

So, Thanks everyone for loving me so well. Thanks for being in my life.  Keep it up. You display God's beauty and grace in a BIG way.   

I'm looking forward to this coming year. I think it's a year I want to live with great purpose and with big goals but yet a simple lifestyle. I want to have little expectations for everyone but great expectations for God. I want the days ahead to be ones I dance with and see the joy and beauty in the little and big things God ordains for me. 

 

A much needed visit from Ang

I didn't realize how much I needed her there until I dropped her back off at the airport and I had had a big lump in my throat all that morning and I felt a part of me leaving when I drove off. I thought about holding her captive longer... but I thought that probably wouldn't fare too well on getting her back here anytime soon. :o)  

She came to help shoot my brother's wedding and was a HUGE help to me that weekend. But really she was just refreshing and soothing to my heart to have her here period. She was able to love on my babies, girl talk with me, help me with zoe's birthday party, shoot a wedding, help with rehearsal dinner, and help me with our first ever photo booth at a wedding. (more pics on that later)  We even got to see her family and have lunch with them too. Love me some Salmons! 

 Angey, you are a true friend, a best friend and I love you and I'm so glad you came!!  Thanks Wes, for letting her come! I know you missed her lots. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

K and I always tease her about how mouth wide open is her default photo pose! :o) We love you ang! Kristin, We MISSED you Big time!! 

evolving love

I need to blog. Well, what I really need to do is go to bed. But for some reason I"m not sleepy. So I try to use these times to blog. So, if I complain on facebook that I'm tired... tell me I asked for it and should have gone to bed about now. 

I've been doing a lot of stuff in regards to Jack this week. Trying to figure out what's all going on with his medicaid and seeking counsel from CPS on his case and even getting to know him more as he grows more into a little guy each day. 

So, here's what I've found out.  He doesn't have medicaid and I have to go and apply for him. Now, I've heard that's not a lot of fun and I'm personally dreading it. But I will go do it. We thought it was already all set up and so this is really frustrating to a mommy with her hands already full. But I know in times like these it's these types of sacrifices and struggles that cultivate a deeper love for this child who I can't believe I've only known for 4 weeks now. 

we were hoping that this would look more like an official kinship care program where he would have a social worker that would have his best interest in mind and would really have a situation that would have more set procedures of how this all looks.  About 7 CPS workers have told me that they don't have any jurisdiction over him and that finally when someone did take an initial responsibility in his case, she said that since he's not being abused or neglected then they aren't going to do anything to get involved but are going to close his initial investigation and only will get involved again if he's abused in the future. I begged for just some advice on what to do now in this current situation and didn't get anything back from them. Which I know is hard because they have plenty of other cases that they do have procedures to follow and handle. So, I know they are grateful that he's not being abused as well as I am. But still leaves me wondering who will be his advocate when so many opinions of so many around him will be given over the coming months and years. Again, this was a HUGE reminder that he isn't mine and that God is in control of his life and his future!  

I will admit I go through bouts of anxiousness and frustrations and feel like this all needs to be handled ......yesterday. I get mad at myself for thinking some of the agreed apon facts were facts I could live with, I get frustrated with systems that aren't working for my behalf, I feel pity for myself and anger towards his mom and dad that we're doing the hard work of tending to a newborn and enduring the harder months where they have little love and devotion to offer back, especially when I think of having to give him up once he really starts fitting into the family and loving us back. Zoe is a constant reminder of how much he'll change in just 10 months.  

But, Then I have to preach the gospel to myself and Dan has to as well remind me that God's in this. And that He didn't just give us the faith to open up our home to this little guy and then go on about HIs business while we have to muster up the strength to endure. No, He's equipping us, filling us, blessing us, with the grace, strength and energy and love to day by day love and care for Jack in his most helpless and defenseless state. 

I've been asked a lot if it's hard not to totally get attached to him. Or if I am having to guard my heart with him. And I think this is what I feel. I think that our hearts can adjust to the current situation and understand the type of love that is needed and produces it in those moments. I think it's different than falling in love with a boyfriend or girlfriend and seeing that love cultivate through life. It's more like a new and unique love that has to be created within you with each new child that comes into your family. A love that before that moment you didnt' know looked like that or felt like that. I don't know what the love of  having two living children of my own felt like so I can't say this feels different, though I suspect it would, But I can say that it feels wonderful and new and at times scary. I think that it's also like the love that is produced when a mom finds out her child will have a disorder or disability of some sort. You didn't know that you had a love that included a specialty in down syndrome or autism, but gosh, there it is and with time it grows bigger and fiercer and more grounded and super knowledgeable.  I think this love for Jack....and Zoe for that matter, is much like that. I'm all of the sudden interested in moms in prisons, and kids being raised by family members and are they getting help, mom's of adopted kids of a different race, I'm interested in the care of different hair and skin than I have... and the list goes on.  You adapt and the love within  you grows and develops and evolves. It's love evolution! That's a great way to describe it. It changes out of a need to not stay the same. But it changes into something that hadn't existed before then and you really don't know how it came to be. But I do know the never changing Creator of that ever changing Love. And I'm so glad He places within us the ability to feel and give this gift of ourselves and this beautiful thing called love which has so many faces! 

So, Keep us in your prayers as we still seek to just be knowledgeable about the situation we are involved in and also that we stay grounded in the truth of God's sovereignty and not the anxiety of present moments or future possibilities.    

 

 
 
 

soul sigh

I've been wanting to share on here some of my mind's thoughts this past week but just haven't had the time or the words to put it in. So when I found myself being able to put it into sentences for a dear friend today I thought that it pretty much summed up the past few days. So I thought I'd just copy and paste it on here for you and just to remember when I look back and read. 

"Jack is getting cuter and cuter by the day. He's eating like a champ finally so I think that will put some baby chub on him hopefully.  I hope we get to keep him forever and always!!! But I just keep asking God to give him to us but that He knows what will best glorify His name in our  lives and Jack's. That's helped me not to fear the unknown. And I told Dan the other day. I mean even if he does go back to his mom or dad... this will have been a year that at most we've given up sleep, conveinence, and some grocery budget for formula and diapers. But to give him a sweet start to life... that's nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's not like he's making us put our life on hold.  But girl, I love me some JACK! I am smitten already in ways it took a lot longer with Zoe. Maybe that's because I know what to do and how to feel because of her. Maybe it's because she was such a "village baby" meaning so many people were involved that first month of her coming to us and so I sorta shared her with A lot of others,  (and that was a joy seeing her bring healing and happiness to so many who shared our hurt and sorrow as well) whereas with Jack it's just been me + dan + zoe + him most of the time. 

And of course looking back, I'm sure being 4 months out from having lost a baby probably did effect me  more than I realized then in those first few months of having a baby in the home. I feel so much more grounded now, more settled in my heart. it's like when my soul sighs (and it does often) it says "it is well with my soul". There is still a sadness that I don't know if it will ever go away much like I think the guys who penned it is well with my soul did so with deep intense understanding of sorrow and probably felt it while being able to say those words.  It's like my insides have a depth that wasn't there before so, while I will ache always down there.... it allows me to feel other things with a depth that I never had before as well. I still have a hard time crying over things not related to death, so sometimes I feel hardened. But I think maybe there might be life experiences coming that I might need that toughness for. Or maybe God will eventually soften that in me.  I will also say, that I am glad we had Zoe first because Jack can instantly touch areas in my heart because he's such a peanut like Asher was and he's so similar to him being a tiny white boy and the way his skin is and the way his lips are... so yeah, I don't think my heart would have been healed enough to do this a year ago. But now, it's just so easy to love him." 

God is good. 

 Defnition:  sigh

Pronunciation: \ˈsī\

Function: verb

A sigh is an audible/bearable exhalation of air arising from tiredness or from an emotion, usually sadness/tiredness, which could be stemming from feelings of sadness or simple futility

 to take a deep audible breath (as in weariness or relief)

 to make a sound like sighing <wind sighing in the branches>

 grieve, yearn <sighing for days gone by>

My note: A soul sigh is the above but directed towards God and something that no one else may see or be aware of. Sort of like a pause in the moment and letting your soul feel deeply and admit it's weariness to the Lord. And also it's yearning for the day where it won't be bound in this earthly shell and in this world of sorrow and pain.

Little Man

 I'm coming to get you today!! 

You just got out of the hospital yesterday, Grandma Joy came to pick you up and she spent the day and last night with you. Her voice was full of that "newborn giddiness" that just happens when you have a baby around you for any length of time. Yesterday was also your original due date. You were born quite early and the Doctors think you were even earlier than thought. But you proved to be a fighter. And God was gracious to you and helped you grow and become stronger and learn those basic things. We are so grateful to Him and those things are answered prayers for many. 

I couldn't sleep last night because I was excited. It seriously felt just like Christmas Eve, you can't go to sleep but you know if you just could tomorrow would come so much faster. And then I woke up this morning I bounded out of bed to get ready. I'm coming to get you today!! You have so many new aunts and uncles and grandparents ready to meet you when you get here. And so many more ready to love you when they see you for the first time.  

God created you at the perfect time in history. You weren't an accident of nature, you were ordained by a King. You have undoubtably changed lives already. I know your mother thought so much about you as you grew in her tummy. I know you helped bring joy into her life as she is going through a hard time right now. You probably reminded her often that God is the creator of life and that He is in charge of all things. Your father has already written me and told me how much he loves you and can't wait to see you. You have also been a great encouragement to him as well and I think he's going to be a good father to you even if he can't hold you or take care of you right now. 

You aren't mine. or your daddy's. But we will love you as our own until God allows you to become ours forever or till you go to live with your mother or father... and even then we'll still love you.  We are thankful that God is bringing you into our life and home. I know you will teach us so much about love and parenting and about being patient and selfless... and a host of other things. 

You have a big sister who doesn't really understand you're coming. She will soon enough. She's amazing and I hope you grow to be good friends and very close. She'll need a brother to help look after her when she's older and I know she'll love on you a lot... she's getting really good at giving kisses. You have a sister and a brother who live far away but I know they will want to know you as they get older as well. So, little man. You are loved and will be loved well.  

So, Let me just say that your mommy and daddy are glad you are coming to live with us and know that you will change our lives. We can't wait to meet you and are giddy with excitement as most new parents are. I pray that God uses you in all kinds of people's lives to show His Love and graciousness to. 

Love, 

Your Mommy for now and maybe always.   

P.S. I'm coming to get you today!! 

little one

I haven't even met this baby yet and already he fills my thoughts. But then I can't think about him too much because I'm trying to fit three weeks of work into this one week. And so in a way it's good that I'm occupied... but I'm also a stress ball. I think hours of computer work makes me tense all over so I feel physically stressed even when I don't have a reason to be emotionally stressed but me being a female, it's all tied into one big plate of spaghetti where everything effects everything. So, I thought blogging a little might help me take a load off my tight shoulders since watching TV doesn't seem to cut it right now, (and I'm saving my DVR'd shows for those middle of the night feedings that are coming my way soon)  

To update you on things, The baby is doing well. We found out today that the doctors actually think he was born 6 weeks premature. So he struggled with sucking and feeding. He's been on a feeding tube and in the NICU up till this week. But now he's in the regular newborn nursery and he's weighing in a 6lbs 2oz. So he's still tiny but growing!!  They think he'll get to come home this weekend. So I think we'll be picking him up either Sunday or Monday...maybe sooner. ?? 

I know this is going to be a challenge like no other. He has a daddy that wants to be a daddy to him but hasn't been able to live life free of drug dependance for the past 10 years. His mom, has had two previous children taken from her and now I'm sure is confused about her relationship with this guy, her future, her emotions, her body, her surroundings.. everything. Both are claiming to be placing their trust and faith in Christ and I think that He is the only One who can right these wrongs and bring this family together in whatever way that is to look like.  

Communicating with these two in prison is difficult. Right now, they are only allowed to write letters and send them snail mail. (not one of my strong points) So it's been hard to find the time and the words to say as we write back and forth. 

And Dan and I know that this child is ours to care for and to love but not nessisicarily to call our own. We hope that it may come to that if that is what is best for this boy and his family. So, I am thinking all the time of the fact that I want this boy to know he was loved from day one and welcomed even lovingly anticipated into our home! I want him to have the things that make up a heritage even from the start. But how do I pour into him all the things we've given our daughter so far knowing that he may leave and never remember them and also those things will have knit him deeper into my heart. I don't know how. But I do know I have to pour anyway and treat him as my son but know that he's not mine. 

I've said before that God taught me through Asher that our children aren't our own and that they are God's to be used however He seems loving and fit. But I don't know that it's supposed to be a lesson I learn and there, it's understood and applied to any child in my life, no problem.  I think it's more of a daily thought and prayer that my soul murmers to God as I fall asleep and pray that my child is alive the next morning when I go to pick her up, as I buckle her into the car knowing I can't control other drivers actions, as I bring a newborn into my home who had a rough start and is still learning the basics of being a newborn, as my love for him grows with each feeding and milestone, as the thought of future pregnancies pop into my mind and the fears that come with those thoughts.  

Lately, I've been asking God to give me the faith to believe that He truly won't put on me more than I can bear. Some things I think about I don't know that I could bear and when those fears come I just tell God that if He wants to bring things into my life then He HAS to bring the grace and the trust as well and in abundance!!  

Writing all these things, I hope you understand that it's a way of preaching to myself. It's so easy to write it down... but I can go to bed here in 10 minutes and be plagued with the very fears I mentioned that God has control over.  I hope I am not and I hope I can be filled with belief.  I can write about fostering and the desire of our family to live out the gospel to the helpless, but Dan and I still argue about the situation and the fears and misunderstandings and lack of information that we have about the whole thing. We still have our moments of questioning if this is right for us. We still want answers and a clear plan of how this is going to go, and we act ugly when we don't see a green line popping out in front of us telling which way to go next.  

But God, (love those two words) being rich in mercy!!! He sustains us and gives us the ability to forgive each other, to not have expectations of others involved, to confess sin and fears to each other, to keep going every day trusting Him for the outcome.  

Life as we know it is about to change....again!

Last month God brought my parents together with some long time family friends for a sweet time of fellowship. During that time they found out that their granddaughter was about to give birth to a baby boy and needed a home for him because of some choices she had made and she was serving time in prison and didn't know when she would be getting out.  

My mom called us and just asked us to think and talk and pray about this little one in need of a home. So we did. And we decided that this was truly a baby in need that we could provide a home for. It would be a foster situation but not through the state. The baby's mom might be eligable for parole this summer and if that were the case and she felt like she could parent and it were deemed so then she would be able to regain custody of this little one. If not, then we would have first option to adopt. In situations like this, things can change on a dime and that's why I've waited until now to even share this on my blog. So, just know that all this can change and that's okay,  but I know that no matter what this family needs our prayers!

The baby was born last Friday October 16th and due to being three weeks early is having some breathing and eating problems but is slowly but surely gaining weight and learning how to suck. He is still being cared for in the NICU and we've been praying for him and checking on him every day. Nothing was for sure and to some extent still isn't, but we found out today that his mommy wants us to be his foster parents and to have legal custody of him until she knows what life holds this next year for her. 

So, again, in a matter of weeks God has brought a tiny helpless one into our lives to embrace and love. Does this loving bring risks with it? Yes. Will it possibly bring heartache as we care for him only to reunify him with his mother? Yes. But is there great reward as we truly care for the helpless? Yes. Will this further teach us great dependance upon God for daily strength? Yes. Could this baby be used of God to change his own mother's life? Yes. Could this baby grow up and change our lives? Yes.   

I leaned over the other night and asked Dan if we were crazy for considering this. And he thought a minute and said, "Casey, if this is Crazy then I'm okay to be Crazy! Sometimes the way God calls us to live out the Gospel is Crazy."  

So, Just as I asked you about a year ago to pray that God's will be done in this new baby's life. I ask you again. Pray for him, for his lungs and sucking ability, Pray for his mommy who not only had to leave the hospital alone but go back to a place that is a difficult place to be. Pray that God comforts her as she morns, Pray that God is her strength as she faces her past and rights the wrongs she has done, Pray that while in Prison God would continually show her that He is true freedom and true forgiveness of sins. She does claim to be a believer and is showing signs of growth. So she has a lot of time that she is able to devote to her new life with Him. Pray she will use that time well.  Pray for us as we prepare in all ways for another baby to come live with us. 

We have all we need to care for him and with Zoe about to get off formula we will be able to not have to overlap that expense. 

So, just Pray and Encourage us in the coming weeks. So many of you know the joys and the energy needed to raise two small children. We will be needing those reminders that it can be done. Dan's parents will be here in a few weeks and with my parents and family near by I know that this child will be loved by many and well cared for. 

We will keep you updated and hope to provide photos and his birth announcement with his name and stats very soon!!!  

Trips to Raleigh

If you asked me at the beginning of this summer how in the world I was going to make all the trips, shoot and edit all the weddings, settle into my apartment, and stay sane!! I would have told you only by God's grace and that I couldn't think about it because I didn't have the strength then and that God would have to give it to me day by day. And You know what?? That's exactly what happened. Day by day, trip by trip, wedding by wedding God sustained us and looking back it's been an amazing wonderful summer and the beginnings of fall. 

Each flight I had amazing flight attendants and EVERY single flight one of them offered to hold Zoe for a while for me. I even had a security worker tell me she's noticed I fly a lot and that I've done a great job with flying with a baby. Each trip I"ve been able to visit with people and even though I leave still wanting more of them I am so thankful that I've had the opportunity to not have a sudden spanse of distance and time between my friends and I. 

Each wedding has been wonderful and let me just take a second and shamelessly brag about my photography team. Kristin and Angey are AMAZING!! They complete me artistically. And I have so much joy working alongside my BEST friends! I mean, who gets to do that? I am always turning around to see them serving the guests and bridal party at weddings, and Kristin most always sheds a tear at the ceremony, Angey ends up having bff's with the bridesmaids, and as we head home after a long long day we get giddy happy and have even been suspected of drinking by convience store workers because something cracked us up and we couldn't stop laughing! Oh the joys and memories!!!  They are wonderful blessings in my life and I wouldn't love my job near as much without them. So here's to many more weddings together! 

And having my inlaws and Sister and brother in law nearby when I visit has been a lifesaver. I've borrowed cars, needed rides, crashed on couches and beds, ate their food, used their computers... you name it they have served me. Zoe has been well cared for even when she's had double ear infections. Grandparents are Awesome!!  

So, Here's to looking to the coming months and desiring to live by God's strength alone day by day and moment by moment!! He has been faithful and I have found Him to be enough for me. 

* I"m on a Sinatra kick lately so turn up the volume, drink some coffee or cider and just soak up the season!

journey of grief thus far part 4

Thanks for all the feedback I've been getting from these posts. It's hard to know sometimes what to say and to say it in such a way that's encouraging and grateful but yet also in a way that truthfully conveys what does and doesn't help best during a time of sorrow and change. And this has been MY experience, we are all so different and needs will vary with some people. 

But here are some of my favorite ways practically that people have served and loved on me by doing! 

• They Celebrated Life! This first one is for those who find a friend in a situation where they don't know if they will be experiencing losing a child but have been presented with the possible reality of it. CELEBRATE LIFE!!!!  So, those of you who have friends with difficult pregnancies or have been given grim diagnosis... give them something that screams life and normalicy. Buy clothes the child may never wear. Buy stuffed animals the child may never hold. Make quilts that the child may never need the warmth of. Those are so precious to me to this day!  Have showers! Don't ignore the difficulty and even include a time of prayer at that shower. I can't tell you how blessed those times of prayer were and still I know are seeing God answer and fulfill even months later. If you don't know what to say, that's okay just be there. God will often have women who have experienced loss or who have the gift of encouragement there as well and let them say words that God wants the hurting mommy to be to hear. Friends have different gifts and just let God use your gifts where they fit best in this time of hardship.   
• They came to the hospital. That was probably really hard for some because what do you say? what do you bring? there is no baby to see and awe over. It can even be downright awkward. But COME anyway! The first few days I don't remember much. But I know there were friends there to talk and laugh with Dan and even relieve family members from having to stay all the time. Some might say not to stay long, but I say just play it by ear. If you're needed and conversation is flowing stay! but if they seem tired and preoccupied and decisions are being made then love on them for just a bit.   
• They prepared for my coming home. Oh, those dear friends who cleaned my house that week for me. We left in a tizzy when going to the hospital so I know it was a mess. But it was sparkling when I got home and the front entrance was decorated with bright yellow mums! I love mums in a special way now because I had a cheerful front door to go into those first few weeks!  
• They brought meals. This was a little hard for me especially after having the recent experience of finding out what it's like when there is a new baby in the home. But while it was such a blessing not to have to cook or figure out what to have for dinner, it was difficult because there was no baby to show off when people dropped by and sometimes I wanted to talk and sometimes I didn't. Mostly I didn't. Also, Dan and I had requested healthy meals as we were trying to eat better.. but we found out really fast we wanted comfort foods as well! It was nice to have a balance of casseroles that were so amazing and fresh foods that were great for us.  Here is a MUST READ when it comes to bringing meals to friends! 
• They got me out of doing dishes! One thing that a friend did was bring us paper goods. Paper plates, plastic cups, napkins. SO HELPFUL!  because I did not want to be doing lots of dishes.  
• They helped start my day off right! My mom made meals and froze them for us and we are still eating them. She also bought breakfast stuff for us. I had weeks where I had yogurt parfaits every morning (that I made in the plastic cups)  yogurt, granola, and frozen berries, so easy and good for you. She kept those three items stocked for me for a few weeks. I never would have thought to make those or buy that stuff but she did and it was very helpful to start off my day right. 
• They just came over! Okay, I know I just said I wanted to be left alone. But if you are a Best Friend of someone and feel like they can be honest with you about their needs, Then go over all the time!! Every night for a while three of my best friends (who just happen to live next door) came over... And often due to the generosity of the meal makers we were able to share dinner with them as well. The good thing about going over often is that you'll be there in moments when they need to cry and fall apart and you'll be there when they just want to talk or vent and you'll be there when they laugh and need something to watch. (because this was a regular happening it wasn't inappropriate when they wanted us to see a funny you-tube video they had seen that day. those moments were so needed!)   
• They put Scripture before me! A few friends wrote out scripture verses out and made them decorative and gave them to me to put up around the house. Those are still verses I see daily and are still claiming their promises in my life.  
• They did the little things that nobody thinks of. From returning videos to getting me stamps for letters to seeing if I needed anything at walmart, friends included all the little things that needed done into their daily errands! It was so helpful!!!   
• They took care of my dog! Having a dog during this time was so healing because he was so sensitive and loyal to my side those weeks of being at home. He knew something was wrong but just stayed close to me. I had a friend send him a care package. (thanks sara) Yes, I know, maybe that's over the top to some of you. but I hadn't had the chance to get him something to play/chew on in some time. And then add to that friends who wanted to walk him and get him out of the house and give him attention. (kids coming over during that time was great for him) It was a blessing to have them care for a dog who was in a way caring for me
• They wrote thank you notes! Okay, this has never been my strong point and leave it to family to pick up where you lack. My family showed their gratefulness on my behalf to those who served us endlessly and without much notice by writing them cards. I often have wondered how I'm ever going to personally thank everyone who helped us during this time and please know that my heart has captured you in special places and I know some many of you deserve a hand written note from my heart and I hope that I have the opportunity in the months/years to come to tell each of you how much you mean to me. But if I don't know that you are treasured in my heart. Know that!  
• They remembered Asher. During special day or even just random days they would call or email and just in tears say they were missing him then. Oh beloved that meant the world to  me... still does. Sometimes they sent/gave gifts that had his name on it or his birth information displayed for me to remember. Memorial gifts were so special. I have pieces of jewelry that whenever I wear I remember him and it's strangely healing.  
• They cared for my well being. Even though I had no baby to care for I still found it hard to get a shower and fix my hair. The last thing I was thinking about was getting a haircut or having my nails look nice. But ladies, it's all connected! I was taken to get my nails done right before Asher's service. what a blur but that was an element I didn't have to think about. I was treated to a haircut and afterwards I wanted to fix my hair and at least try to look nice. It was helpful in the process of starting to feel a little more normal.  I've had friends who have had miscarriages and this element is really important. Giving them a basket of body washes and beauty supplies I know blesses during this time of just bodily pain and discomfort and allows you to be a part of this very personal and often private pain and loss in their life.  
• They loved my husband and let him grieve! I asked him the other day if he talks about asher much at work and he just really said how God has blessed him with co-workers who aren't afraid to talk about Asher and his birth and death. He said that the people God has put in his life there have been so encouraging and just have been his friends through this. A lot of my best friends are some of his closest friends as well and they really loved him well and laughed with him! I think all the funny you-tube videos did him the most good.  As a teacher, nothing makes him more proud than to see growth and God in his students. They have showed so much maturity through this and have gone the extra mile in taking care of their Mr.Chappell.  Thanks guys! I know Dan is blessed to have you in his classes. Thanks NRCA parents, for letting your children go to the memorial service knowing that you might have difficult questions to answer afterwards. 
• They took me away. At six weeks some of my closest friends decided I needed to get away and planned a trip to Washington D.C. and made it clear I was to go with them! I agreed to go and honestly up to about an hour before I was in constant flip flopping over if I was going to really go or not. I kept telling Dan I'm not going to go... but I should go... I just can't... but I want to... ughh! But I did go. And I'm so glad I did. It was beautiful and it was an easy trip that didn't overwork my body but still made me move and get out! Here is the slideshow from that trip!  Thanks Girls!! I'll never forget that weekend. 
• They gave me books and movies!  Movies and books were a great mental stimulus and getaway for me and I was given some great books that were great reads but also encouraging. many of them are in the side panel of the blog in book recommendations. And some gave us movie gift cards that let Dan and I get out of the house and escape into worlds of spies, romance, heroes, triumph and so many more.  It was helpful for us both!                             

As you can see there are SO MANY ways to help and serve and love! These are just some of the countless ways that I have been blessed by those in my life. THANK YOU SO MUC to all who made this list possible! 

I hope this inspires you and prepares you for when God brings a hurting family into your life next. 

 

A Year in Life....

     A year can change much in ones life. This Christmas looks so very different from the last, in so many ways. Last Christmas as I slept, I was not aware that my precious wife was holding the news of our new baby right next to me. Last Christmas brought Joy and elation of what this year would bring with the pregnancy and a new baby. We thought of this Christmas and how much fun we would have with a new baby in the house. Those hopes turned to sorrow with grave news and then brought new hope through prayer and longing. But this hope was different it was not a presumptuous hope, but one rooted in what the Savior could do. Today as I look back to August 9th, I feel the excitement of the day and the overwhelmingly painful end to it. I miss Asher terribly tonight and wish he was here to celebrate our Saviors birth with us. 

    Yet God makes all things new! This is the message of Christmas for all peoples. Christ, the King of Kings, and Lord of lords took on flesh and dwelt among us (Phil 2, John 1). As I write this evening I am listening to our Precious daughter Zoe sleep (it is one of my favorite things). It was appropriate that we named her Zoe. Her names means life, and she is a reminder of that to us. She is a reminder of the hope that Christ brings in the Gospel. Christ brings life where there is not life. Who could know the workings of God just beyond the sight or the clear perception? God is working in ways that we cannot see, and not just to ease suffering but to work in and through it. I am thankful that God has led me to praise His name in sorrow and now in His great grace toward us.

    Perspective is everything! God has taught us this year to see all things (good and seemingly bad) as part of the Gospel story that He is weaving through our days. We need to see His Son when life is not as it should be, when family betrays and offends and friends disappoint, the Gospel demands mercy. When circumstances fail and tragedy strikes the Gospel brings hope. We need to see Jesus and still long for him more when life brings abundance, when a healthy baby comes into our home, when we seem to have all that we want and need. Jesus is still and forever better! 

    Christmas will forever be about babies for me, because of Asher, because of Zoe, but lastingly because of Jesus Christ! I am thankful that on this holiday when I am prone to think on the loss of life and the gift of life, I am faced with the inescapable life of Jesus Christ. I am drawn to long for His second advent when all will be made right for eternity. God help me to live with this perspective until you come..

Dan                            

Loving hard, Suffering much

I, (Dan) have always been one to embrace with all that I am. If I love something I do not love it half way. This has been true of my many sins but it has also ben true of the numerous ways God grants it to me to display his glory. I love my wife, she has and continues to be a gift of grace to me. So it should come as no particular surprise that when Casey told me we where pregnant I fell in love again. This love was different, I had never felt like this before. I was both excited and extremely anxious over our baby's life. It was too good to be true. How could God give to me, an intense sinner such a gift? Something must be wrong. There is no good theology in this, just honesty. 

     That day came like a vapor. I have never been more excited and scared all in one moment. Time stood still. The clock was ticking as Casey lay there and we both were wondering the time of his birth.It hit me that I was watching over my two greatest responsibilities in this world and I could do nothing to help either of them. We had talked relentlessly and thought endlessly over the prior two months about this moment. None of that seemed to help me fulfill what I was willing to do for both of them in that moment. I have never wanted to fulfill my wife's hopes and dreams more. I have never wanted to fight for my son more. I didn't get it and to some extent I still don't, but I have never been more in love with both my son and my wife. 

Could this be grace? Love should bring Joy and happiness. To love is to run the risk of suffering. I find this idea to be so true. Those who love much will face suffering in this world. To those who are without belief in the purposes of a sovereign God, there is still suffering but it bears the imprint of vanity. Nicholas Woltersorff (Philosophy, Yale) says that all his life he had been taught to love the world as a gift, to love God through the world. This meant to love his wife, his sons, plants, nature, culture, learning. However, he says it set him up for suffering. It did not tell him that an invitation to love is an invitation to suffer. He had to find this out the hard way and so did I. But one amazing point he makes shook me today as I needed it to. God loves the World, and He himself has suffered on behalf of the world, and when we suffer He suffers. God loves with suffering love. This brings me comfort to know that sovereign love is also suffering love. So I choose to love with the guarantee that in the future it will mean more suffering, and with that suffering a surpassing Joy and longing for home.

think...think... think.

"think...think...think." ~ winnie the pooh.  Lately I've had some much needed time and space just to think and process all that has happened and is happening. I think that you've got to have that in order to be able to appreciate others when you spend time with them and are able to talk about your feelings and know what you are talking about. I included this photo because it's on the curtain right behind my computer (which is also the nursery) and many times I look up and I'm doing the same thing as this guy. Except my 'hunny' is a cup of hot coffee with hazelnut biscotti creamer! 

I think about our baby often these days. I wrote this to a friend yesterday as I was trying to put into words what my day yesterday was like, since Asher would have been one month then.**  

I am longing for my baby today. My arms keep aching to hold him and then I go to remember what it was like and they go cold and numb because I think my body gets a little anxious when I mentally go back to that day and all it entailed. (I did not have a very good c-section experience, especially being so optimistic about the actual surgery and our baby's life.) 

So, it's a little frustrating to balance my longing to remember and wanting to forget.  

I'm so much in baby mode!! .....it's really hard because I am so distracted from everyday life but I have nothing to oooh and aahh over or care for.  It's like I'm crazy... I know I'm not because this really did happen, but to the outside world I'm just a woman with no kids. There is no going back to the woman I was but there is nothing to keep me growing as the mother I am now.  That's where I have to plant my identity in Christ as His child alone. But that's been a daily, hourly struggle. 

All that to say, that I am still missing Asher like crazy but I've been more able to process mentally and spiritually some of the details that you just want to not deal with during the first few weeks.... and I'm sure I"m still in the "first few weeks" and some things will just take time and more time.  I want process and remember Asher's every little everything! I am in love with his precious ears... oh, how I want to eat them up. And I still can't get over his big ol' hands... He had such long fingers just like my sister, crazy all the little elements that make up your child that we have no control over and God just knits away!  I'm so grateful to have those memories and photos of him to keep remembering and to comb over and notice all the littlest details that I might have missed that short night. 

But I mentally can't or I should say don't want to process the moments before Asher and the days following his leaving us. I guess that takes time.???... any takers/comments on that one? How did you handle the memories that were just awful? I don't have fear because it's in the past but my body literally gets unsettled and uneasy when I think about it. But I just don't want to forget even those moments because they are a part of my birthing experience with Asher. And due to the way they did my surgery (t-cut) I will have to have my babies c-section in the future, so I really don't want to totally dread the procedure... although I think it's a little too soon to even think about going through that again.  

Anyway, you can tell why I titled this post such, because I do feel like I'm rambling a little about my thoughts as of late.  Thanks for reading... I"m going to muse over some things and i"ll be back with another post later this week. 

~ Thinking Back...  It was also my brother's birthday yesterday as well. Happy Birthday Bubba John! I can't believe you are 27!! 

~ reThink...  also in honor of my post's title I wanted to mention a friend of ours, Steve Wright who is the youth pastor at Providence Baptist. He has been such an encouragement to Dan and Dan has often said that he hopes one day to have a son just like his son, Tyler. Steve co-authored a book titled    reThink  and is a must read for anyone who has preteens or teenagers or just a heart for teenagers, the church and family. 

 

deeper still

Dan and I just got back from a weekend in Charlotte NC. A friend gave us tickets to the ECU/VT football game and so we decided to go and just make it a getaway weekend. The game rocked! (aside from some REALLY hyped up drunk ECU fans! wow!) I must admit it was my first college football game. It was a huge sight to behold and the crowd's excitement was impressive! 

We stayed the night in downtown Charlotte (such a neat downtown!) and then went to Crossway Church this morning. Some of our good friends the Seaver Family and the Oddy Family serve there and it was great to worship with them and exchange hugs and sweet fellowship.

 As great as the weekend was, it was just as hard. I think, for me especially, a new level of sadness has set in our hearts. Dan and I love going to new cities and sight seeing but for many reasons there wasn't that sense of adventure or desire to do "fun" things. I've been missing Asher for hours on end and still am dealing with crazy post partum hormones (well, really I don't know what is grief and what is normal after pregnancy issues) I sure don't feel very stable at times. This last week I hung out with some friends who have little ones and they were so gracious to let me hold and love on their children. And I think as much as I enjoyed those precious babies, I began to understand something that was really important for my heart to grasp, that as much as I desire a child to hold and a little one to mother right now, any child, any baby will not quench my heart's thirst and my arm's ache. I'm aching and longing for Asher.... my son whom I cared and prayed for in those 37 weeks and fell totally in love with the second I saw him. That is who I'm grieving for. He is the one my heart and breath seem to catch with just the thought of. I say that because the past few weeks my heart has often tried to tell me that if I had a child to hold and take care of that I would have something... somewhere to place all these emotions and longings I have flooding my being right now. I know those thoughts are probably very normal as a mother who has lost her child but I still want to battle those ideas because they seem to promise happiness and purpose to me during this time. And as much as I hate that this is too big of a reality to ignore, how many times before now have I given in to the promises of purpose and lasting pleasure only to find that they have left me not satisfied and still craving desperately to be fulfilled. How many times??? I wish it wasn't so, but I've battled with this for years... single, studying, married, working, moving, staying, nothing was ever enough. Even though I knew I was to find my happiness and sole purpose in being a Child of God I don't think I knew quite what that was supposed to look or feel like. I have been living as a Child of the King, Heir of Christ, and yet being too busy consumed with earthly responsibilities...(thinking that they would bring joy and purpose) to rest in my Father's care and enjoy His provision and position for my life. (Now, most of these things and pursuits are great and often very godly desires unless they take the rightful place of God in your life...so many times christian duties and religious pursuits can become idols of the heart and sit down stubbornly and deceivingly on Christ's throne in your life.) I think the past few weeks have been the first time in my life probably that I've been able to truly rest and find comfort in just who I am in Christ. I have been healing from the delivery and thus not able to have really been cleaning my home, working in my business, serving my husband, or caring for a child... talk about feeling without purpose. But God really has come near to this brokenhearted woman and given me such purpose and has like never before burned on my heart his love for me as just His child, the one He chose to set His love upon, the one that without Him would be left to her own to forever wander in a world that can never bring pleasure that satisfies, or rest that renews, or joy that is enduring. .....so, whereas the pain and grief of my journey are deeper than ever.... so are His mercy and grace.

grief

I can't believe it's almost been two weeks since Asher was born. I wish I had a ton to write about and I think in the coming weeks I will, but it's been just a time of grieving and resting since we buried our son. We cry daily and miss him a lot. My arms really do ache and my stomach has been in a constant state of uneasy butterflies. Dan and I were saying that at times it feels like all this never really happened and then at the same time it feels like it's all that has happened. Grief is a very unique state, I've never been here before and it is hard and not something I would ever wish on anyone. But like my pastor said at Asher's memorial we feel as though we have hit rock bottom and have found that the Rock is solid and holds.

My mom has been here this week and has really loved on me so much and served me well. It's humbling to be served like this. Our church family has really been amazing too.

I came across this blog post by a woman who has been through the pain and sorrow of losing a child and it really reminded me not to waste this time of my life. It's so hard... I want to just wake up months from now and have this behind me but I can't and must live each day out (I'm so grateful His mercies are new each morning!) But I know that I will look back on this someday and just marvel at the closeness I feel to the Savior during this time.

You can pray......

* That Dan and I continue to grieve well and with hope
* That I continue to heal from the c-section
* That I will see Christ as better than my overwhelming desire for a child to hold and love right now.
* That I will see Christ as better than Asher (this is hard but I know it's truth)
* That Dan will have the energy and strength he needs daily for school and coaching. It's tough being apart all day. We really miss having each other all the time to lean on and cry with.

We love you all.....

I'm working on getting Asher's slideshow online for you all to view and cherish. Also, here are some photos of some details of his memorial service. Thanks for reading!!

Because He Lives!

Yesterday was Asher's memorial service and over 500 people attended and hopefully were encouraged to long for heaven more. We are amazed that we have so many people who love us and are supporting us. We are blessed beyond words. Dan and I worshiped and were encouraged by the truth of God's word. Thank you to each of you who came and to those who couldn't come but wanted to. So many of you spoke kind words and really loved on us.

Today I attended my first burial ever, I never dreamed it would be my own son's. I must admit it was harder than I ever thought it would be and I really struggled with being angry and I was extremely sad. But I do think it was good to really morn the loss of my baby. Again, our brothers and sisters in Christ surrounded us with love and the truth found in Christ. Honestly, I don't see how those without Christ go through something like this... I know they do but I don't see how. Truth is the only thing that I know I can cling to right now, everything else is so unstable.

Asher was buried in a "homegoing box" that was handmade by my brother and brother-in-law. I have never loved and hated something so much. I am so thankful to our families for loving us so much and so well this week. And I want to thank them ahead of time for loving us in the weeks and months ahead when emotions rise and fall.

The photo of the balloons are the 37 balloons that we let go at the burial to just celebrate the 37 weeks we had with Asher in my womb. Those weeks were so precious to us.
Also is a photo of Asher's "homegoing box" and the top of the box they built to protect it, everyone in my family wrote on it and this is what my little brother Tony (age 12) wrote on it... i especially love the "lil bro" part. So precious.

I don't really know how the upcoming days will be or what they hold.... I'm really just living one hour at a time right now. But I want to leave this post with the words that I'm clinging to with all my heart.

Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives!

My Little Missionary

Good morning Son,

My night was filled with dreaming and even my dreams knew you were not here. I think my body, mind and Spirit fully understand that you are in your eternal home and not in our temporary home here in Raleigh. I miss you. Mornings and Feeding Times are the hardest for me. I long to hold you and care for you. But I know son, that you are feasting at God's table and that there is no night where you are. Christ himself causes the light of day all the time there. One day..... I will feast and feel no night.
I was so proud to be your mommy yesterday as a woman knocked on our door and wanted to talk to me. She was a lady who has given her life to living on the street and using drugs to numb any of her earthly pain. She sat and sobbed over your being gone. She has a twins in heaven....you might know them already. She said that she had gotten mad at her friend who was using crack while being pregnant and yelled at her that if she didn't want her baby that your dad and I did. She couldn't understand why you were taken away and that lady doesn't care about her baby yet will probably get to keep it. I told her that you were given to me for a time and that I don't deserve to demand what God gives me or takes away, that you were His to give and take. You have a purpose and were created for eternity as we all were. You are fulfilling your purpose by bringing God glory and enjoying all the pleasures of our Savior.
Then I turned to her frail, shaking, drunk, hungry, spent and crying body and told her that she was created for eternity and that she was clinging to the dirt and grime of this world but that she had so much more awaiting her if she would just cling to Christ. I told her (while we looked at your sweet pictures) that I too could use medicine and earthly things to numb my heart's pain over not having you but that I would be trading unending joy unspeakable for short term relief of sorrow.
She said I was so strong.... I told her that it was God's strength and that she can't understand it because she has no access to it but that if she would look to what was done on the cross for her sins and look to one who gave His son for her life then she too would have hope and a Savior who would carry her through all trials we face here and give joy that is lasting. I don't know if her heart was opened yesterday... I prayed it would be. Son, your short little life brought her to our doorstep and I was so proud that your life here was missional and will provide the opportunity for many to hear about Jesus Christ.
I know you are enjoying heaven and the presence of the fullness of joy! I know you are very happy to hear of others hearing about our Savior....it's amazing to me that you already have a soul that understands these deep great things of God. I miss you. more than I ever thought I could. But I am truly ever rejoicing that you have impacted so many and that God's ways are so much higher than my ways! I love you. ~ Your mommy.

Our Beautiful Son