We walked into the Appleby's, both Dan and I a little nervous. Would she show up? Would she cry? How would Zoe act? We were seated and we waited for her while feelings of gratefulness and protectiveness both churned inside our hearts. This woman had given us our daughter. We had visited with her in the hospital, but those moments had been so lightly tredded on because nothing was for sure. Now, everything was for certain... we are zoe's parents forevermore. Her birth mom was also forevermore living with her decision.... no going back.
She came in a bubbly vibrant woman! Her excitement at seeing Zoe was obvious to all... and I do mean ALL who was in the restaurant. I think it was her outgoing loud demenor that made Zoe immediately want to go to her. She has a very disarming way about her that reminded me of why I was immediately in love with her in the hospital and why I wept so fiercely during the moments of her leaving zoe in the agency's care. I like her. She would have been a good mom to zoe. But good wasn't enough for her... she wanted better for her little girl. And she wanted better for her older daughter. And that wish involved sacrifice. It was so refreshing to sit here 18 months later and hear her speak of no regrets and retell the story of how she knew we were "the ones" and how meeting us the day zoe was born only confirmed that. She said she kept praying before she met us for us to be as wonderful as we were in our letter to her.... she said her prayer was answered the day we walked into that hospital room. :o) I felt so loved... by her and by a very good God.
As we ordered lunch and played with zoe, we talked about her life, our life and all that God was doing in each. Zoe's birthmom "S" was doing Wonderful!! God was doing all sorts of great things in her life and she is really reaching for goals in life and in business. She shared her business dreams with us. Girl, I hope you do it!! Zoe and I will be there for you on opening day!
We did get many looks, some of confusion as I could almost see the gears turning from them trying to figure out the connection at this table, some of sweetness and admiration. It was a very special time for all of us.
I've wanted to blog about this ever since that day... but a part of me just couldn't write it down. I mean, I can talk about it all day long, but I think I've come to realize that typing on this blog really is dumping elements of my soul that is hard to reach... even for me. So, while I'm glad to have this recorded and have it to share with you... the process of getting it written out is at times emotional and exhausting. It's almost like the well of where I store things that are precious and painful and meaningful and hard and confusing and especially the things that I feel are things that I alone must feel or carry... that well is getting deeper and tougher to dip into. I don't know much about things like this... maybe it's normal... maybe it's settling but just deeper.... maybe I have issues... who knows. But I do know that there are moments that I am able to "go there" it's just a very rare day... which I battle knowing if that's God mercy or my hardness.
But right now... in this moment. I'm happy to go there, I'm happy to try to share just a bit of what my heart felt that day a few weeks ago. I'm happy to let you know more about this person who God brought into our life in such an amazing way. "S" I love you! You have a permanent place in my heart. And I'm so proud of you and grateful for your gift of love to this family.
Wow, these pics made me cry. I am so happy for you, your husband, Zoe and her birth mom! I'm sure it was a sad/happy visit. Thanks for sharing :)
Posted by: Joy | June 23, 2010 at 05:39 PM
The joy on all three of your faces overflows! I am so thankful God brought you "into my life" in this blog world, what a great example y'all are of how to live life well and abundantly! Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Posted by: Cecilia | June 19, 2010 at 12:15 PM
Oh Casey Girl,
I knew things went well but to see the pictures and hear all about this sweet woman, Wow. God is good( my exclamation point isn't working)What a blessing to have a realtionship with Zoe's bio Mom. Those are some sweet pics and Zoe will love having these one day. I am overwhelemed with God's grace and love in all of your lives and how He has brought you all together through your sweet baby girl.
Thanks for sharing.
Love you.
Carrie
Posted by: carrie armstrong | June 19, 2010 at 08:20 AM
How absolutely precious. Putting your day into words had to have been really hard; to adequately describe the conflicting feelings going inside you took great work. THank you for sharing with all of us. It makes me think of Mary the Mother of Jesus and how it was written that "she pondered all of these things in her heart." Maybe that just sums it all up.
Posted by: Jill Lengel | June 18, 2010 at 06:38 PM
Tears come easily these days, but It feels good when they are tears of joy! "S" is beautiful, but she had to be for Zoe to be the cutey that she is! Outward beauty from her birth mom and beauty within learned from her mommy, you! Love you, girl!
Posted by: Jessica Jones | June 18, 2010 at 05:04 PM
i swear you make me cry all the time and i just met you once...i love the pics but my favorite is the one of Zoe comparing her hair to "S's"...so cute...you are truly blessed by our Savior...i have a friend in the adpotion process as we speak and i am praying so hard for them to have a baby and a story just as awesome as yours..thanks for sharing your heart so beautifully...love you girl
Posted by: Holly Smith | June 18, 2010 at 04:38 PM
As difficult as I know it was for you, my heart thanks your heart. :)
Posted by: Cheryl | June 18, 2010 at 01:30 PM
I am not easily brought to tears but they just came up while reading this! This is absolutely beautiful! YOU are beautiful!! Our God is amazing and His grace and mercy show with these pictures!! I especially love the last photo!! You should write a book girl!!! Love you!!!
Posted by: Julie Ferguson | June 18, 2010 at 12:22 PM
Girl, i just put on my makeup! i'll have to retouch before i leave. I love all the pics but especially this last pic! my heart could just explode with love for my God who provides the grace and mercy and love that this picture entails! He is amazing!
Posted by: Amber | June 18, 2010 at 11:49 AM
so beautiful!!!!! Thank you for "going there" and taking us w/ you!!! I am so so so so grateful for S and for God's amazing gift of Zoe!!! What a great story, and what a great God who's given it! Love you!!
Posted by: Angey Price | June 18, 2010 at 11:25 AM
It's easy to see why Zoe is so beautiful....
Posted by: Sylvia Basham | June 18, 2010 at 11:22 AM
I love this & your transparency Casey! The pictures are beautiful. So many precious moments captured that you're going to love showing Zoe again one day when she's able to fully understand. How precious these moments are. I'm glad you could dig deep today. It was a blessing to be allowed in to see & feel like I'm a part of. :)
Posted by: Sam | June 18, 2010 at 11:22 AM
So very beautiful.
x
Posted by: Sheye Rosemeyer | June 18, 2010 at 10:40 AM