little one

I haven't even met this baby yet and already he fills my thoughts. But then I can't think about him too much because I'm trying to fit three weeks of work into this one week. And so in a way it's good that I'm occupied... but I'm also a stress ball. I think hours of computer work makes me tense all over so I feel physically stressed even when I don't have a reason to be emotionally stressed but me being a female, it's all tied into one big plate of spaghetti where everything effects everything. So, I thought blogging a little might help me take a load off my tight shoulders since watching TV doesn't seem to cut it right now, (and I'm saving my DVR'd shows for those middle of the night feedings that are coming my way soon)  

To update you on things, The baby is doing well. We found out today that the doctors actually think he was born 6 weeks premature. So he struggled with sucking and feeding. He's been on a feeding tube and in the NICU up till this week. But now he's in the regular newborn nursery and he's weighing in a 6lbs 2oz. So he's still tiny but growing!!  They think he'll get to come home this weekend. So I think we'll be picking him up either Sunday or Monday...maybe sooner. ?? 

I know this is going to be a challenge like no other. He has a daddy that wants to be a daddy to him but hasn't been able to live life free of drug dependance for the past 10 years. His mom, has had two previous children taken from her and now I'm sure is confused about her relationship with this guy, her future, her emotions, her body, her surroundings.. everything. Both are claiming to be placing their trust and faith in Christ and I think that He is the only One who can right these wrongs and bring this family together in whatever way that is to look like.  

Communicating with these two in prison is difficult. Right now, they are only allowed to write letters and send them snail mail. (not one of my strong points) So it's been hard to find the time and the words to say as we write back and forth. 

And Dan and I know that this child is ours to care for and to love but not nessisicarily to call our own. We hope that it may come to that if that is what is best for this boy and his family. So, I am thinking all the time of the fact that I want this boy to know he was loved from day one and welcomed even lovingly anticipated into our home! I want him to have the things that make up a heritage even from the start. But how do I pour into him all the things we've given our daughter so far knowing that he may leave and never remember them and also those things will have knit him deeper into my heart. I don't know how. But I do know I have to pour anyway and treat him as my son but know that he's not mine. 

I've said before that God taught me through Asher that our children aren't our own and that they are God's to be used however He seems loving and fit. But I don't know that it's supposed to be a lesson I learn and there, it's understood and applied to any child in my life, no problem.  I think it's more of a daily thought and prayer that my soul murmers to God as I fall asleep and pray that my child is alive the next morning when I go to pick her up, as I buckle her into the car knowing I can't control other drivers actions, as I bring a newborn into my home who had a rough start and is still learning the basics of being a newborn, as my love for him grows with each feeding and milestone, as the thought of future pregnancies pop into my mind and the fears that come with those thoughts.  

Lately, I've been asking God to give me the faith to believe that He truly won't put on me more than I can bear. Some things I think about I don't know that I could bear and when those fears come I just tell God that if He wants to bring things into my life then He HAS to bring the grace and the trust as well and in abundance!!  

Writing all these things, I hope you understand that it's a way of preaching to myself. It's so easy to write it down... but I can go to bed here in 10 minutes and be plagued with the very fears I mentioned that God has control over.  I hope I am not and I hope I can be filled with belief.  I can write about fostering and the desire of our family to live out the gospel to the helpless, but Dan and I still argue about the situation and the fears and misunderstandings and lack of information that we have about the whole thing. We still have our moments of questioning if this is right for us. We still want answers and a clear plan of how this is going to go, and we act ugly when we don't see a green line popping out in front of us telling which way to go next.  

But God, (love those two words) being rich in mercy!!! He sustains us and gives us the ability to forgive each other, to not have expectations of others involved, to confess sin and fears to each other, to keep going every day trusting Him for the outcome.  

Comments

[Cheryl]

Sweet Casey, I experience so much of the same fear, anxiety, and need for control as a mama that you do...and I can only imagine that losing your precious son multiplies those feelings and emotions. Please know every time I am praying myself through those moments (which unfortunately is daily), I will be praying for you as well. I absolutely cannot wait to see this new sweet little one's face!

[Sharon Wilson]

You both have the biggest heart and God is placing yet another precious child in your home to love and care for. I pray for you and Dan ~that God will continue to equip you emotionally, physically, spiritualy, and monetarily ...all that you need. May God bless! Love u both, Sharon

[Carrie]

Casey,
I was thinking of you this morning and wondering what the latest news was. Glad that you will be able to welcome this sweet baby boy into your home very soon! I will be praying for hearts that cling to God each second of the day. I was actually talking with friends this morning about what God has been teaching me lately about trust in Him. He stretched me and taught me soo much with all of Barrett's health problems this past year and I can attest to the grace that He gave me then and so I can hope knowing whatever the future holds that same grace will be there, but not for all the what if's I can play in my head that arent' reality, just for the moments that are real and I need them.
God has taught you so much..much through heart ache, but I know that if He has orchestrated this sweet little one to be in your home He is going to give you EVERYTHING you need to love and take care of that Baby to His Glory. Like Angela mentioned above what you pour into him now, even if it isn't permanent... God has sovereignly picked you and Dan for his little life now. You are God's perfect plan for him now. God knew that before this child was conceived! What an awesome blessing! Still a tough one....so I will be praying for God's peace and new mercies each morning sweet friend as you face the days ahead with their MANY joys and struggles.

Love you and can't wait to put a name and face with this sweet baby boy! Give Zoe a little squeeze for me too!

Carrie

[Heather]

So excited to see this new chapter in your life! God bless you, Dan, and Zoe! Our family is praying for you!

[Angela Gilbreath]

Wow Casey!
You amaze me with you willingness to be broken and poured out for the Lord. Living out your faith, loving those in need. That is what being a Christ follower is all about. Thank you for being willing to walk in faith. You are blessed among women to have 3 children entrusted to you in the past year and a half.

Larry and I will continue to pray for you and look forward to hearing how this little one is loved and nurtured in the Lord. Please let us know if you need anything.

[Angela]

Good morning friend. I just love the authentic heart in your writing. I am praying for you and for this little baby boy.

Reading your post about pouring into this little one, while risking that he may one day return to his birth parent(s) reminded me of Moses and his Mama. Although the situations is reveresed from yours, when Miriam was used to bring Moses back home "until he was weaned", it is thought that he spent only 3 years (at most) with his Hebrew family. However, those three years and all that his Hebrew family poured into him in that relatively short amount of time proved OH so valuable as he fulfilled God's purpose for his life.

Try to pour into him as the Lord would have you. In however long or short amount of time you have with him, you may be preparing this little one for a purpose greater than any of us could ever realize.

I am praying for you. I love you :o)