I've been going through a bunch of photos from the hospital when Asher was born and even though it's been hard to look at I think it's been good for me. I'm reminded how raw and real that day and those moments were and also that we were surrounded by loved ones (which I'll post more about on friday)
These are the moments that at times I want to forget or not remember but I can't... At times I've had people tell me that they can't read this blog often because it's too painful and I totally understand. However, I think that the pain has to be embraced in a strange way because that's part of grief. At first for me grief was always at surface level and I cried a lot often. But lately, it's been deeper and there are days that I feel I don't have the energy to bring it up and work it out. These photos have helped me not have to work so hard at dealing with the sorrow and extreme realness of those terrible emotions. Believe it or not, I want to cry. I want to still be sorrowful and grief asher's loss. I want to remember. I will never wish this on any mother ever, but I never want to live as though this didn't happen. It's changed my life and the grief and confusion and heartache is part of that. It's part of who I am now. And it's only because I have hope in a God who has fully ordained this and has loving purposes in everything He does in my life that I can welcome these painful memories.
I'd like to think I could sympathize with Jesus's mom when He was on the cross. [now, I know my son is NOT Jesus, but just walk with me through this] It seemed that everyone else had left or couldn't take the grief but she stayed (and John as well, which is no wonder why he was the disciple that Jesus loved) It must have been horrible to experience those moments seeing her son suffer in such an extreme way and die in front of her. But yet she wanted to be there. She was helpless and couldn't stop it from happening but yet she was his mother and she wasn't leaving him.....
I remember thinking back on Christmas Eve last year if I was feeling anything the way Mary did when she pondered things in her heart when I was the only one who knew that Asher was living inside of me. In the same way, even though I know her experience was VERY different than mine, I wonder what her grief looked like though short lived. I wonder if she finally just ran out of tears to cry. And just sat there at the foot at the cross until they made her leave, I'm sure she would have stayed there as long as they let her... what mother wouldn't. I'm sure she couldn't understand then why her Lord and God let this happen to her son. Yet she had to have some sort of Faith in her soul that would have be telling her heart that His ways are higher than hers. And that God did care about her breaking heart and dying son so much more than even she did herself. And that in this darkest hour there HAD to be Hope, Hope she would desperately need to make it through the coming days.....little did she know.
These photos are so sweet and precious. I think of my poor mother-in-law who lost her last and final child (a son named Tommy) when he was right about at his due date. Those so many years ago, she was encouraged to not see her son, to not hold her son, to not remember him the way he looked but to imagine him the way she wanted him to have looked. It is something that she does not mention much but I know still troubles her some 30 years later. I am so glad you and your family and friends loved on Asher and have the photos to cherish for many years to come.
Posted by: Cheryl | November 17, 2008 at 10:49 AM
I wouldn't give anything for those special moments we shared in August.Giving him up was so hard but because you shared him with all of us we will always have beautiful memories of his short life. It was a hard but beautiful time!I am so thankful for all the family and friends that were there to share this special time together. The songs we sang, the prayers that went up all through those hours were such a blessing to so many.When Dan came walking down the hall with him in his arms the pride was there as if he was breathing. Such a precious beautiful little boy!
We will always love him! We love you both for letting God be in control of all this and sharing His strength with so many people.
We love you,
Mom an Dad
Grandma and Grandpa
Posted by: Mom and Dad | November 14, 2008 at 02:29 PM
The photos itself are so powerful... add what you said and its just incredible...
I dont get a chance to read many blogs these days... but yours is always very powerful and convicting at times.
I think as a mother we sometimes take our kids for granted... Im to blame for that... but when we think of how precious life is we really begin to realize how important every day is with our kids... every minute.
They really are a blessing... I had a friend who lost her 2nd child when he was around age 6... car accident. Seeing you and her go through this sort of loss just shows me the great strength God gives us.
We could never do it without him.
Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Drea | November 13, 2008 at 09:15 PM
I am so amazed! You are such an encouragement to us all. You and Dan so show God's grace all over you! We continue to pray for you both. I love the beautiful pictures that you continue to share. This was such a vulnerable, personal time and yet you have chosen to share this moment with us all. For this I thank you! Asher Daniel has touched more lives in his short little life here on Earth than many of us will during our entire lives! God is so good!! His Grace continues to amaze me!
Posted by: Jon and Julie Ferguson | November 13, 2008 at 08:24 PM
such a sweet post. thanks for sharing more of the photos of the night we were there. so precious.
Posted by: nicole wilson | November 13, 2008 at 01:13 PM
This is healing. Much love to you and Dan.
Posted by: Kearsie | November 13, 2008 at 09:19 AM
Thank you for sharing these touching pictures, Asher is a handsome angel, and he is loved by all. One of my favorite songs is "Because He Lives", and oh yes, Casey, Because He Lives, WE can face tomorrow. You and Dan continue to be in my prayers...and thank you again for sharing the pictures...and your heart.
Posted by: Lorelei | November 13, 2008 at 05:24 AM
I am so glad you shared those. I am crying and I have never even met you. I cannot for one second imagine what you went through that day. I have enjoyed so much being able to pray for you and Dan and walk with you in a small way through this. Asher was so handsome. You are so right that the only way you can make it through this, is knowing that God has a reason. All of this suffering is not for nothing. I hope you know how much I care for your family, even if we havent met in the flesh.
Posted by: Zsera | November 12, 2008 at 08:35 PM
oh casey, these pictures are so beautiful...your son is just so tiny, fragile, soft and SO loved. the emotion shows a family grieving but also a child that was adored. precious. i am crying with you all...and i cannot wait to see little asher one day in Heaven. i just cannot stop looking at him........his hair (i love his hair!), his tiny hands and the peace on his beautiful face.
thank you for sharing your son with me.
Posted by: tiffany Flamm | November 12, 2008 at 07:49 PM
These pictures are the epitome of this song:
I can hear the brush of angel's wings
I see glory on each (precious) face.
Sure the presence of the Lord was in that place.
Posted by: Kristy | November 12, 2008 at 07:08 PM