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« sorrow and joy by greg sponberg after losing luke | Main | "A dissatisfied Messiah" »

September 10, 2008

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ddrauscher@yahoo.com

Casey,
I am inspired by how you immerse yourself in every detail of your painful journey. In our similar experience (since you've asked), I alternated between reliving and just distracting myself so I didn't have to think. Parts of the reliving had to wait: it took so long before I could really face them. (And in the early post-C-section days I had to take medicines and couldn't think straight for long!)

I'd journaled our moments but it was so long before I could read them all again, and even then it was too painful to spend much time at. The pictures were different; I could look at his pictures, but it was at a pre-digital-camera time in our family, so there weren't so many. But the thoughts and the ups and downs and confusing projections from doctors and especially all the hopes I had put in that journal -- those were hard for me to revisit.

Still, God was so faithful, and His perfect work in our lives, thankfully, did not depend on our understanding how to navigate grief or even embrace what HE was really doing in our lives. Still, I see His faithfulness better as I am looking back. The days were not always sunny and full of genuine smiles.
Praying for you as you grapple with sad days of missing your little one. Praying that God will bless and soothe those aching arms. Praying for you both. I know it hurts, and I am so sorry.

Pam Freeth

Casey, With Hope was the memorial song we used for Olivia's memorial. It is the perfect song for how we feel isnt it? It seemed it took SO long to get back to feeling any bit normal. I could feel the minutes...maybe even the seconds tick by and it was slow, painful and too quiet with no baby noises... and for me those noises were machines to help her that were removed from our house when she passed away. How I hated them when she was here but how silent the house was after they were gone. It hurt to have it so quiet. I had to fill my days and time with other things to help me get through. I relived the last moments so many times. Was there any thing else we could have done? I knew the truth was that she was God's first and I just got a gift to hold her briefly.

What helped? Reading my bible helped... Working on my website helped...I wasnt the best housekeeper or wife during this time and my family was wonderful. I struggled with the thoughts that ran through my mind, this was something I couldnt solve or fix... and sometimes I wanted to turn my brain off. Its exhausting on that emotional roller coaster.

(((CASEY))) I dont even know you and I feel like I could finish your sentences when I am reading your posts. I am so blessed to know your Mother in law and to have been introduced to you. You are always in my prayers.

sue and alan reitter

just want you to know we love you and are lifting you up to our Heavenly Father many, many times during the day...

Kearsie

I'm not an expert on pain management, both physical or mental, but I don't think there's any RIGHT or WRONG way to handle Asher's death. You are still up, breathing, functioning, even sharing...that's awesome in and of itself. You are not shut up into a cocoon, full of anger (maybe there is anger in there, who wouldn't be angry at least a little?) or bitterness (I'm sure there may be threads of that as well). I think you are handling this with dignity and grace, as well as astounding people in your faith in a loving, sovreign father. Right now may not be the time to process all the events, and that's ok. No one says you're expected to deal with it all right now. Take your time, you're in our Father's hands. Much love to you.

Elizabeth Cooper

ps. I forgot an added thought. I think it's such an honor that God chose someone as strong as you to be Asher's mother. He knew you and Dan would make the best decisions and care for Asher as He wanted you to.

Elizabeth Cooper

I still have not met you, but I think and pray for you often. Please know from someone who gave birth to a stillborn at 20 weeks that there are many out there that empathize and understand your feelings. There is a fine line between wanting to forget and wanting to remember. Both are normal and ok. The Lord is near. He will comfort and sustain you and never give you more than you can bear. There will always be a sorrow and joy in your heart for Asher and it WILL get better as time passes....the sharp stabbing pain you feel now will turn into a bearable ache and that ache will, in turn, help you remember always. I only wish my husband and I had had the faith and hope that you and Dan did and that we had fought for our baby harder. You are a constant inspiration and glory to the Lord.

Zsera

Hey there! Still praying for you and dan every chance I get. I lost a baby at 11 weeks and still cant bear to think about most of it. It takes alot of time to think about things that bring us so much hurt and sadness. I am so thankful that you have so many happy memories of Asher. Hang onto them tightly. With time the painful thoughts will be easier to bear.

Corie O'Brien

I have praying for you sweet Casey. I don't even know you but I heard about you through Tiffany Flamm. My heart aches for the journey you are on and yet having to walk this path...I know God is faithful. During the tough days, the good days, the dark days and the awkward days...He is there. Besides that please dont feel alone. Feel free to email me or call me anytime. I know I can not take away your pain or give you any advice or some kind of perfect words...but I am willing to listen to you if you ever need to. I know I am a stranger, but I hope that you feel comfortable if you need to call someone. I had a great support network, yet God gave me one friend who lost a child and our bond is nothing I have ever had. Praying for you..
Corie O'Brien
theobs@usa.net

melissa pearce

I love you. I don't have anything insightful to add. I just wanted to say that we keep praying for you everyday. I cry for you very often, and I pray that God will heal your hearts. Do you know angela kaiser-- who wrote on POH blog? She lost her baby Gavin a year ago...I don't have her email, but her sister is here in WF are her email is jessica_tounget@yahoo.com.
mel.

kari breed

thank you for sharing your thinking thoughts :) your story... and even you processing your story continues to minister to those you may never know until Heaven. luv you!

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