Loving hard, Suffering much

I, (Dan) have always been one to embrace with all that I am. If I love something I do not love it half way. This has been true of my many sins but it has also ben true of the numerous ways God grants it to me to display his glory. I love my wife, she has and continues to be a gift of grace to me. So it should come as no particular surprise that when Casey told me we where pregnant I fell in love again. This love was different, I had never felt like this before. I was both excited and extremely anxious over our baby's life. It was too good to be true. How could God give to me, an intense sinner such a gift? Something must be wrong. There is no good theology in this, just honesty. 

     That day came like a vapor. I have never been more excited and scared all in one moment. Time stood still. The clock was ticking as Casey lay there and we both were wondering the time of his birth.It hit me that I was watching over my two greatest responsibilities in this world and I could do nothing to help either of them. We had talked relentlessly and thought endlessly over the prior two months about this moment. None of that seemed to help me fulfill what I was willing to do for both of them in that moment. I have never wanted to fulfill my wife's hopes and dreams more. I have never wanted to fight for my son more. I didn't get it and to some extent I still don't, but I have never been more in love with both my son and my wife. 

Could this be grace? Love should bring Joy and happiness. To love is to run the risk of suffering. I find this idea to be so true. Those who love much will face suffering in this world. To those who are without belief in the purposes of a sovereign God, there is still suffering but it bears the imprint of vanity. Nicholas Woltersorff (Philosophy, Yale) says that all his life he had been taught to love the world as a gift, to love God through the world. This meant to love his wife, his sons, plants, nature, culture, learning. However, he says it set him up for suffering. It did not tell him that an invitation to love is an invitation to suffer. He had to find this out the hard way and so did I. But one amazing point he makes shook me today as I needed it to. God loves the World, and He himself has suffered on behalf of the world, and when we suffer He suffers. God loves with suffering love. This brings me comfort to know that sovereign love is also suffering love. So I choose to love with the guarantee that in the future it will mean more suffering, and with that suffering a surpassing Joy and longing for home.

Comments

[Zsera]

glad to hear from you dan! casey is so lucky to have you. you are both in my thoughts and prayers.

[Mrs. H]

You said that well. It is a risk to stick ourselves out and love. The capacity to love is such a gift from God, however and to love without fear of the risk is to use that gift to His glory. I have found since our loss (similar to yours), I have had my ability to feel, deepen. It feels like my lows were brought lower than I have felt before but on the reverse, my highs are now so much sweeter. God's goodness is so much richer.

[Mom and Dad]

The helplessness you felt that day for Asher and Casey is the helplessness we feel for you and Casey in these hard days. We love you both so much and wish we could take the hurt away for you. Having experienced the loss of a son 38 years ago we know the hurt you are feeling. If there was anything that we could do to take away this hurt we truly would. We know that the love of God is more than the love we as your parents can give to you in these hard days. You know to keep trusting him for your comfort and only God can give you that peace. The peace that "passes all understanding." We love the both of you and Asher more than you can know. The three of you have been such a blessing to us.

Love,
Mom and dad

[Casey]

I love my husband!! really REALLY do. Thanks for loving me, baby!