balloons

It was Friday morning and my stomach was flipping and so upset from nerves, today was the day I was going to bury my son. I had never been to a graveside service and I didn't want to go to this one. I was getting frustrated because I had done so well at the service the night before, why was I feeling like I was on the verge of a breakdown and that I was about to lose it. Get it together I kept saying to myself but I still couldn't attain the place of peace I had thursday night. 

We headed to Harris Teeter to pick up the 37 balloons to release at the funeral to celebrate the 37 weeks we had with him in our lives during pregnancy. I love balloons. But not today. Dan went in to get them and I stayed in the car. one by one little kids came out the doors of the store with their bright balloon tied on their wrist or shopping cart, I guess kids get a free balloon at HT. There seemed to be endless kids and endless balloons and endless joy of a morning shopping trip with a mom and her child, they all looked so happy. 

     

I could feel my anger rising and feelings of panic. This was new, I hadn't been angry at anyone since Asher was born. I was sad, but not angry.  Dan had the balloons, and was standing outside the door waiting for his parent's van to come so we'd have room to bring them to the funeral. Here he was standing with a ton of white balloons and next to him this stream of joyful balloon carrying kids. I was SO mad. I didn't want those white balloons, I wanted one bright colored balloon with my child holding it. I can't say I am proud of how I acted that morning, I really was mean and ugly and MAD, thankfully my husband and inlaws knew that there was so much going on in my heart that they were really understanding.  

So, we left with the balloons and made it to the cemetery and I didn't want to be there, I was still really mad. But I knew as Asher's mom I needed to be there and that I had to be there. And so we went and released our 37 balloons. 

      

On the way to our cars after the service my sister brought me a giftbag and said I thought of you when I saw this the other day and had to get it for you. So, I opened it and of course started crying, it was a little figure of a child holding a balloon, the perfect gift for that very moment and reminder that even in my anger and sadness that there is hope. I may not have a child holding a balloon but God has a child that is clinging to hope. Hope that He will carry me through, Hope that He does have higher ways and that they are good and better than mine. Hope that He will take care of Dan and I, Hope that He will always provide what we need when we need it, Hope that He has placed this love of a family and for children in our hearts and He has purposes for that, Hope that this earth doesn't hold the key to my happiness and that we live for another home that holds joy unspeakable and pleasures forevermore. Hope that He is coming back for me.

 Why are you cast down, O my soul,

and why are you in turmoil within me?

HOPE in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation ~ psalm 42:5

You will forget your misery;

you will remember it as waters that have passed away.

 And your life will be brighter than the noonday;

its darkness will be like the morning.

 And you will feel secure, 

because there is HOPE.  

job 11:16

Comments

[Amber Greenlees]

Isn't God awesome! There is no detail too small for Him to care about. He showed His love to you that day through a figurine. So small a gesture of such a BIG love. He loves you, Dan and Asher. I love you and I am praying for you still.

[Melissa Parnell]

Casey,
I was just thinking about you guys this morning. I'm praying for you and grieving with you.

Melissa

[Stacey McLeod]

Hi Casey.

I am so glad that you are willing to open your heart and pour out your innermost thoughts to us- a group of friends and strangers who somehow through this blog have grown to love you and sorrow with you and long for heaven so we can see Asher again too!
Your posts and the links you have on the side have really helped me to know how to better come alongside grieving friends and walk with them. I appreciate your honesty.
Praying for you and your whole family,
Stacey

[Mrs. H]

Oh, I love that figurine. (I may just have to look for one of those for myself). The thing that stands out for me, during my very-similar experience - is my reliance on that hope... hope of all you just described. My hope, my faith, in the One that both gives and takes away, continues to heal the hole in my heart.
I can imagine the sorrow and, yes, even anger of that moment. Thank you for being so real and transparent. Praying for you and all mommies of in-heaven babies...

[Angey Price]

My eyes are filled w/ tears as I read this post and remember that day. I'm hoping with you!!
angey

[Jenna]

You speak my heart so perfectly! I love you and continue to pray for you guys. I hope heaven is full of balloons! I can see Asher and Carter right now playing with their colored balloons running and playing and talking Jesus's ear off about how much fun they are having! Can you see them? What a beautiful picture.

[Elizabeth Cooper]

Oh, Casey. My heart aches for you and Dan. The photographs are beautiful. Think if your family and husband are understanding of your feelings how much more understand our Lord and Savior is. He understands your anger, hurt, and grief like no other can. It's ok to yell, to cry out in your pain. You WILL be comforted. Keep clinging to that hope.

[Pam Freeth]

(((Casey))) With you in thought and prayer everyday for peace and purpose. Its hard to feel purpose when you are grieving and you imagine your days should be different right now then they are. We can know the truth in our minds but the heart doesnt always cooperate does it? All that you feel is ok and it doesnt take anything away. You have a relationship with God so share your feelings with Him. Anger, Hurt, Grief as you are doing. You will be comforted. Keep sharing because it does help.