Looking back it's amazing to me the things that God orchestrated and ordained that we are so grateful for now but could never have planned it to happen that way then....... Here are just a few!
* Conversations- Early on in this pregnancy God brought some intense conversations into my life with others that really made me seek out what I believed when it came to God's Sovereignty in Pregnancy and also in Life and Death situations. I had not looked at these conversations as instruments that God used to drive me to search out truth in specific situations but as conflicts that left me in self pity. Oh, that I would trust God in each and every relationship and conversation! He knows what He is doing and uses others to refine and sanctify us in ways that we alone can not accomplish because we are prideful.
* Gender- Our desire to know this child's gender. We could have been content not to know, but both of us were dying to find out and thus went to Prenatal Peek!
* Prenatal Peek - they let us come back 3 different times weeks apart from each other which isn't really their policy normally but each time (we even had 3 different ladies) they had compassion on our quest for the gender of our child and told us to reschedule a few weeks out and they'd re-scan. We had already decided that after the third scan we were going to give up the quest if we didn't find out... but that was the one where that sweet nurse discovered and alerted my OB to the omphalocele. I seriously don't think that we would have ever known otherwise.
* Hanging up- The receptionist that hung up on us at our first specialist office. Both of us had our doubts about the staff we had been placed with at the first perinatal place we went to but never thought we had any other option. They treated us like we didn't know what we were talking about and really never respected our desires to fight for this child's life regardless of what the outcome would be. But it wasn't until Dan called to request something and ended up getting hung up on because of a misunderstanding. We were confused emotional expecting parents yes, but we just felt like no matter what, getting mad and hanging up on a patient was unacceptable. So that began our quest for a new team of Dr.'s
* Connections- Our friends that were nurses and friends who had experiences with medical professionals in the area.
I put out a call for help in finding the right medical help and SO many people were helpful and instrumental in getting us into the great amazing staff at UNC Chapel Hill. We even knew WHO to request and what to expect from them. So helpful! Thanks friends!
* Patience - Because we didn't know what this baby was it really helped me not spend a lot of money on clothes that would never be worn. It made me delay a lot of purchases that I might have had to painfully return. (a lot of people have asked me if I had to return a lot of stuff and if that was hard and GOD really was kind in that we really just had bought or had been given the bare necessity or timeless investment pieces and it was all things that we LOVED and will Lord willing use again!)
* Amnio- When we asked about getting the amnio on week 36 and deliver on week 39, our OB had suggested just moving it to week 37 and testing the lungs and possibly delivering then.... At first we were excited at that idea but something just didn't sit well with me about it and after really thinking through it we decided to stick with week 36 for the Amnio. Well we had results in 24 hours (which even the hospital acknowledged was rare) and we knew our baby was trisomy free and we knew then that Asher was going to be our firstborn son!!! This is why that is so important looking back.... if we had waited till 37 weeks we never would have had the amnio and thus wouldn't have known that it was a boy we were expecting and when Asher was delivered because of the omphalocele rupturing during delivery and the spinal/lower body issues the Dr. told me that they couldn't have been able to really tell me his gender that day. I couldn't have imagined holding my child not knowing what name to call him or her and even now I shutter to think of it. We were given a whole week to rejoice in our son by name and to really celebrate him!
* Time - Because of when God chose for Asher to come we had an amazing medical staff and had several believers who I believe really impacted my whole experience of giving birth and going through the c-section. (It was a really hard c-section and I hated it but they made the difference and were SO wonderful!)
* Day of Delivery- Because of when God chose for Asher to come we had people/family at the hospital right away! God even worked out for members of our families to come in from out of town just a day or two later... and had so many elements come together for that to happen. We are so grateful for the sacrifices and time that our families made to be a part of this time and the special touches that you put on his memorial and burial. We'll never ever forget that.
* Awareness - Because of our journey of this pregnancy and because of so many dr.'s not giving us much optimism we had really already began to open our hands to this child and really were trusting God to give or take away... This child was His to do with as He pleased. Not to say that we are happy with what He chose or that we were ready to lose Asher, just that we had a vivid understanding at that time of the realization of God's Sovereignty in this situation. We knew that God was the giver and taker of life and that our hope wasn't in the medical staff. So when we were told that Asher wasn't going to live... we still had hope and had open hands with which to offer our son to a Mighty Strong Hand that would also hold us as we cried and suffered.
* Gifts - the night before Asher was born we had a little get together with friends to celebrate Asher's coming. (little did we know he was on his way that next day!) And we were given several things that are now precious useful things in remembering his life. Aunt Brittany gave us a little bag with an outfit that ended up being the outfit that I had ready for the hospital the next day and was the perfect outfit for Asher.... any other outfit would not have worked with what situation we had. It was so timely and I can't imagine what we would have done without it. God knew! There were certain other small gifts that were given as well in different stages of pregnancy that really were all the more special as we were able to use them in the small time we had with Asher. (so many of those things people had said, I just had to pick this up because I thought of you! Often they were random gifts...or so they seemed, but God used them in big ways! Always remember that when God brings someone to your mind when at a store!)
* Sunday - God planned that on the hardest morning of our lives as we would have to hand off our child to be taken away that SO MANY (I can't emphasize how many and how vast) bodies of believers were gathered together and lifting us up before the throne of grace. Thank you Body of Christ for praying that morning for us. My tears are flowing as I imagine God's view of that morning as He was so near and close to us in that small hospital room and yet so HUGE and Omniscient that He was working in hundreds of bodies of believers all across America flooding them with His spirit as they prayed and worshiped! What an Amazing God!
Open Door - When Dan and I discussed where to have a memorial service we knew that Open Door Baptist Church was the only place we could imagine having such a personal service. It's where Dan and I developed our friendship and where we were married. It's a busy growing church and we knew that having such a service last minute would be a challenge but that day was open and they were amazing to serve us in ways that I will forever hold close to my heart.
Programs - My sister was married earlier this summer and actually had changed her wedding colors mid- planning. So due to this change she had a ton of Paper Stock in Asher's colors that she had bought for that but didn't use that she was able to be make into Asher's amazing memorial birth announcement! She told me that in such a short time that we had to plan everything that they never would have been able to get a hold of those materials in time had she not had them already. We were so blessed. And blessed to have had her ability to make those for him, They were perfect and so special to have to give others as his proud parents.
Treasuring Christ Church - Our church body. TCC is a Raleigh church plant and has only been a church for 3 years. We have been down here from the beginning and at times it's been tough, we went through a time where we wondered if we had what it takes to be a part of a new church in a needy downtown area, to really commit to a church that takes covenant community and accountability seriously. Thankfully our church loved us and challenged us to stay. We are so grateful for so many... really countless ways in which TCC has ministered and blessed our personal walk with God, our Marriage and now our family as we morn our little one. They are faithful to make sure that we remain faithful, hopeful and ever learning, worshiping and trusting in a Big Sovereign God who is the Comforter and Author and Finisher of our Faith! Thank you Church Family! We love you.
So, Where was God in all of this you may have wondered? Please wonder no more. He was there and He was not silent nor sleeping. We serve an Active and All knowing God who will never cease to bring me humbly to my knees by His works and by His love for me in even the littlest aspects of my life. Lord, Keep me on those knees and dazzle me time and time again for Your Name Sake!!
Hi Casey,
I got your blog from Tiffany Flamm in Colorado. We go to the same church. I have been praying for you and thinking of you. I lost my son in January and God has been so good to reveal so many of his miracles to us during this time. Not a miracle in healing here on earth, but I know he is well with Jesus. I had a c-section (my 5th!) and by the providence of God we had more time then we thought...23 hours. Maybe because of less stress. Only God know that for sure. But our son Larson testified to life to many unbelivers in the hospital room. We knew for 17 weeks that our son would not live. He had many things going against him..or not! He is having the best life now! This has been a hard journey for sure, but I love my Jesus even more. I could go on and on and I am sure you have heard a million stories of people, so I hate that I am one of them. I don't know if it brings you comfort or annoyance. Everyone is so different in this process. Know that I am praying for you. I don't know you, but would love to help you in any way if you need it! Much love to you in Christ! Corie
Posted by: Corie O'Brien | August 29, 2008 at 05:31 PM
Got this verse in an email today and immediately thought of you and dan and asher!!
"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" (1 Peter 1:6-7 NIV).
Posted by: Zsera | August 29, 2008 at 12:08 AM
Thank you Lord for always being here. Thank you for giving Casey the words to thank you for every aspect of Asher's life. All the conversations and connections and every bit of love shown to all that have listened. You are truely an Awesome God and we stand in Awe of you! Casey, Thank you for sharing so much of your feelings and thoughts. Healing is coming even if it takes a long time.
Love to you All,
Fran
Posted by: Fran | August 28, 2008 at 05:06 PM
what a precious praise list that completely glorifies and recognizes our GREAT GOD! He continues to use this situation to encourage others through your blog posts. thank you.
Posted by: donna b | August 28, 2008 at 09:12 AM
I'm really glad you wrote this blog :-)
Posted by: Alicia | August 27, 2008 at 09:53 PM
Dan and Casey,
You do not know me, The Nichols are members of my church. I have been following your blog since the night your precious Asher was born. I just wanted to share with you what a testimony you have been to me. It is such a blessing to listen and read how mindful you are (and consequently us) of how faithful and loving our Lord is. Your faith has challenged me in many areas. Thank you for sharing even through your grief. I am and will continue to pray for you in the days to come. Thank you also for sharing pictures of your beautiful son with us.
Dannette Hain
Posted by: Dannette Hain | August 27, 2008 at 09:35 PM
I keep Asher's picture where I can see it everyday so I can remember to pray for you guys. It's also a wonderful reminder of how God has worked in our lives through your testimony and Asher's short life. We love you, you are in on our hearts daily. Praise God for what He is revealing about Himself to you.
Posted by: Bonnie | August 27, 2008 at 09:11 PM
I am SO happy that you wrote these out. Right after my dad died I could have written pages of blessings which occurred during his illness and death. I thought, "I'll remember these blessings forever!" But time passed and grief clouded and darkness made me question if there was anything good at all. Oh how I wish I would have had a list of blessings to fall back on to help me remember the faithfulness of God. My aunt once told me, "Remember in the darkness what you knew in the light." These lists of blessings will be a great comfort to you in the darkness of grief.
I cherish you! Traci
Posted by: Traci Rafferty | August 27, 2008 at 08:18 PM
Amazing! Praise to our Father, our Provider. Thanks for sharing. All our love, The Yoder Family
Posted by: Meredith Yoder | August 27, 2008 at 03:16 PM
i just want you two to know i'm holding you in my heart each day and praying....through your faithfulness and steadfast love you and dan have done so much to bring me back to where i need to be with my God and Father....Praise HIM who gives us strength!
Posted by: sue and alan reitter | August 27, 2008 at 01:35 PM
Casey -Your faith and tender heart are wonderful comforts. I recently had a baby boy who is fortunately healthy. Your situation has reminded me of how important it is to thank GOD daily for your family. I have been struggling with the fact that I could not stay home with my son every day -but had to return to work. I have been selfish and feeling sorry for myself. When I learned of your Asher - I was convicted to be thankful and rejoice that my little one is with me. While it may not be much of a comfort to you - your situation is not for nothing. The LORD is using you and your rock solid faith as a lesson and encouragement to others. Your Asher has affected so many lives all ready -know that his life has impacted many and that Jesus is holding him on his lap while he waits for you to come home!
Posted by: Piper | August 27, 2008 at 12:46 PM
Casey, I am so encouraged in my own relationship with God just by reading the innermost thoughts you have been willing to share. I want you to know I really appreciate that.
Posted by: Cheryl | August 27, 2008 at 12:07 PM
Thank you for sharing the blessings with us. How faithful and loving our Lord is.
Posted by: Ronnica | August 27, 2008 at 09:29 AM
Hi Casey. You do not know me, but I have been a follower of your blog for a few weeks now. A friend of mine found your blog and she passed it along to me as a source of inspiration. I, too, lost a little one. Mine had Trisomy 13 and I lost him during my second trimester. It’s been 5 months since the loss and I have been up and down. The most amazing thing that came from the loss was the start of a journey into my faith. Long story short, I had no real relationship with God until two weeks before we found out about our baby’s fatal problems. He called to me and my husband, which resulted in us attending a church that I had heard about. Out of nowhere. Just wanted to go to church. Strange for someone who had only been a handful of times in her entire life. Well, we fell in love. I had never felt so fulfilled, inspired and excited about church. And I soon found out why. He was telling me that I needed Him. After two weeks of attending the church and fully immersing myself into my new-found faith, we learned of our baby’s Trisomy, and the fact that we’d soon lose him. 28 years of not knowing God and just two weeks before the biggest loss of my life, I’m introduced to Him. AMAZING timing, right?! I can’t imagine going through the loss of my son without Him by my side. He knew and He was prepping me. I look back and see so many other ways that he was preparing me for the loss too. Just amazing. Anyway, I could go on forever about how amazing His presence can be during the most difficult times of our life...like you said in this post. I just want you to know that your blog has been a source of strength for me. Although I had come to grips with the loss, and had many moments of appreciation for His plan (not being grateful for losing my little one, but grateful for how God spoke to me and held me), I do have times of sheer pain and sadness. Your posts make me feel normal for the ups and downs, and SO inspired as to how to pull through. Thank you. You are truly an angel. I know that my little one is dancing happily, laughing, and playing with Asher as we speak. And, as parents, isn’t that a wonderful feeling?
Posted by: Hilary | August 27, 2008 at 09:26 AM
Casey - I am so thankful to GOD for bringing you , Dan and Asher into my life . HE always knows who and what we need to become better christians and to learn how to spread HIS word. Love to you all,
Posted by: Kim Edmondson | August 27, 2008 at 08:42 AM
Your family's journey has been such a testimony for everyone. Your faith and your love for our wonderful God touches each person that reads your blog. God will grant you peace and He knows that you are his faithful servants and He will grant you blessings untold. Remember the Lord is holding little Asher and there is no better place to be. Your hearts will always have Asher there but God will give you strength to continue to work for Him and touch other people with your faith. I love you and will continue to pray for you. May the shower of blessings fall on you both.
Posted by: Jackie Reece | August 27, 2008 at 08:03 AM
your posts are a devotion for my weary heart, what a testimony you are sharing with the world. thank you.
Posted by: Dena | August 27, 2008 at 06:52 AM
I hope you know how amazing you are! You inspire me so much with all of your posts. Asher is so lucky to be able to call you mom. Your unawavering faith in our awesome God never ceases to amaze me. Keep your head up. God has so much planned for you and Dan.
Posted by: Zsera | August 27, 2008 at 12:48 AM