deeper still

Dan and I just got back from a weekend in Charlotte NC. A friend gave us tickets to the ECU/VT football game and so we decided to go and just make it a getaway weekend. The game rocked! (aside from some REALLY hyped up drunk ECU fans! wow!) I must admit it was my first college football game. It was a huge sight to behold and the crowd's excitement was impressive! 

We stayed the night in downtown Charlotte (such a neat downtown!) and then went to Crossway Church this morning. Some of our good friends the Seaver Family and the Oddy Family serve there and it was great to worship with them and exchange hugs and sweet fellowship.

 As great as the weekend was, it was just as hard. I think, for me especially, a new level of sadness has set in our hearts. Dan and I love going to new cities and sight seeing but for many reasons there wasn't that sense of adventure or desire to do "fun" things. I've been missing Asher for hours on end and still am dealing with crazy post partum hormones (well, really I don't know what is grief and what is normal after pregnancy issues) I sure don't feel very stable at times. This last week I hung out with some friends who have little ones and they were so gracious to let me hold and love on their children. And I think as much as I enjoyed those precious babies, I began to understand something that was really important for my heart to grasp, that as much as I desire a child to hold and a little one to mother right now, any child, any baby will not quench my heart's thirst and my arm's ache. I'm aching and longing for Asher.... my son whom I cared and prayed for in those 37 weeks and fell totally in love with the second I saw him. That is who I'm grieving for. He is the one my heart and breath seem to catch with just the thought of. I say that because the past few weeks my heart has often tried to tell me that if I had a child to hold and take care of that I would have something... somewhere to place all these emotions and longings I have flooding my being right now. I know those thoughts are probably very normal as a mother who has lost her child but I still want to battle those ideas because they seem to promise happiness and purpose to me during this time. And as much as I hate that this is too big of a reality to ignore, how many times before now have I given in to the promises of purpose and lasting pleasure only to find that they have left me not satisfied and still craving desperately to be fulfilled. How many times??? I wish it wasn't so, but I've battled with this for years... single, studying, married, working, moving, staying, nothing was ever enough. Even though I knew I was to find my happiness and sole purpose in being a Child of God I don't think I knew quite what that was supposed to look or feel like. I have been living as a Child of the King, Heir of Christ, and yet being too busy consumed with earthly responsibilities...(thinking that they would bring joy and purpose) to rest in my Father's care and enjoy His provision and position for my life. (Now, most of these things and pursuits are great and often very godly desires unless they take the rightful place of God in your life...so many times christian duties and religious pursuits can become idols of the heart and sit down stubbornly and deceivingly on Christ's throne in your life.) I think the past few weeks have been the first time in my life probably that I've been able to truly rest and find comfort in just who I am in Christ. I have been healing from the delivery and thus not able to have really been cleaning my home, working in my business, serving my husband, or caring for a child... talk about feeling without purpose. But God really has come near to this brokenhearted woman and given me such purpose and has like never before burned on my heart his love for me as just His child, the one He chose to set His love upon, the one that without Him would be left to her own to forever wander in a world that can never bring pleasure that satisfies, or rest that renews, or joy that is enduring. .....so, whereas the pain and grief of my journey are deeper than ever.... so are His mercy and grace.

Comments

[kari breed]

amen sis. just got back from a trip of our own tonight and visited your site. LOVE the slideshow. thanks for posting. hugs...

[Elizabeth]

If you ever have any doubt about this, know that even during this storm, God is using you. He is speaking through you to the many people who read this blog, to your sisters, to your friends, to your own heart. In the midst of this grief you are ministering to others. You are being so transparent, that you are making it possible for others to share their hurt. You know I don't think any of us want to be "fixed" as much as we want to be heard and seen. Well, friend, I see you and I hear your heart. I pray that you hold on to Jesus during this storm. For He is holding you and you are His. I don't say this lighthearted as some band-aid I am offering, but I truly see it. when you pen your words to us all, I can let my heart picture you sitting at the computer, listening to this beautiful music, and You and the Lord writing this great love story..You, Dan, Asher and The Lord. It is a true form of love that most people will never experience. In these sad days, I am rejoicing, for you are in the midst of this beautiful, rainy, loving season. You are truly loved. Even though I have never laid a physical eye on you, my spirit has seen yours. And I feel blessed to watch you.

[Pam Freeth]

Reading your words is like sliding back in time 4 years ago for me. I completely get how you feel. The blessing of being HELD by Christ makes everything so profound. I never realized how alive I felt until I accepted Christ and recognized Olivia as a gift from God. Sometimes it is hard to just rest when you FEEL all those emotions... Love, Loss, Duty, Faith, Thankfulness, Sorrow. I found that I clinged to the comfort I got when I shared Olivia with others and often I wore myself out and forgot to rest. Im glad you and Dan got to go to Charlotte are taking time for yourselves. You inspire us all with your words and your story. I know that part of it is healing for you too and your way of taking care of Asher. I started the Zellweger Baby Support Network so I could still take care of Olivia in my mothering mind. Truth is she is being cared for by the best caregiver. I needed it for me. Many people need it too. They get so much from your posts and We see God through this blessing/loss. You are on my mind so often. I pray that you rest daily in God's embrace.

Pam

[ashley]

i keep coming back to your blog - i know of you through a friend's blog. and i want you to know that i'm lifting you up in prayer. my heart hurts with you. i know that all you want is asher. that's what your heart will long for for a long time. ...and i celebrate with you when you are able to glimpse God's purpose in your grief. it's sweet to read your love for Jesus. ...as for your hormones - it's so normal to have major ups and downs after pregnancy. so be patient with your emotions that come with hormonal changes and grief. allow yourself to feel the wave of emotions and then let them trickle out after you've felt them.

[Zsera]

I am glad you and Dan got to get away. All of the feelings you are having are perfectly normal. I lost my little one at 11 weeks and have been going through the same thing. I desperately long for another baby but I know it wont replace the baby we lost. It is a very hard place to be. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers!

[Michelle Meek]

Casey,
I just wanted to write a little note and let you know that you are in my constant thoughts. I pray for you as often as I think of you. The girls and I are in the process of packing up the house and heading down South....yes right in the middle of Hurricane Season...how else would I do it?
Anyway, I just wanted to send you a hug and a kiss and some heartfelt tears....you are truly beautiful in every way and I am happily anticipating the sunshine that will come for you following these dark and stormy times....I love you very much. Michelle

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Praying for you tonight.