Not long after finding out that we were expecting the fear and uncertainty began to set in.
I was in a place I've never been in before and finding that so many thoughts and fears were
flooding my mind that unless I fought back would eventually paralyze me and my walk with God.
So I wrote this to my expectant friends partly in confession and partly in a cry for encouragement
through truth. Still I am learning day by day how important truth is in battling our thoughts and the fears
so easily entangle me. Here is a portion of that email and one response that I received that is so full of honesty and truth!
Well, I was just telling Dan today that it's amazing
the impact of having a baby has on your world, even
before it takes it's first breath!
I'm in week 7 now (so pretty much bringing up the end
for us, so lots of watching and learning for me!!) But
the onslaught of emotions and hormones and gas bubbles
has hit full fledge for me. I think because we found
out so soon I was pregnant, that I had thought I was
doing well and would handle this first trimester like
a trooper and not have much morning sickness or be
emotional or be complaining.... but then this week
hit!! I feel unstable in my thinking and feeling and
then gas pains to after OB visit cramping I've
experience the gamet of emotions/sins and yet my heart
for God is stirred within me. The realization of His
sovereignty and goodness is very vivid in my life
I can't help but feel like I"m in a limbo stage of
life, fearful of leaving what I"ve always known behind
and yet wondering why I didn't begin this sooner!
Being comfortable living life one chapter ahead of my
single friends and one chapter behind the couples with
children and now About to jump into a different world
than those who have yet to meet their spouses and yet
not even feeling close to the world of those who have
children already. It's crazy how much I'm being
tempted to compare my life to others since embarking
on this adventure, I don't know if this is true for
some of you. Dan again, was being so patient as I
verbally processed some of these thoughts today and
reminded me that comparing and fearing is so damaging
and paralyzing to my Walk with the Lord and to this
walk of raising a child... our child. He reminded me
that God is giving us a child to raise, one that we
alone are his/her parents and He will give us the
specific wisdom for THAT child. No one will be able to
tell us exactly how to parent this child, no one. So
what good is comparing? We need the Lord and His
wisdom. And this journey is to be enjoyed and looked
towards with excitement.
Anyway, I don't know why I just told ya'll all that. I
just wanted to encourage you in your adventure and at
the same time confess my struggles and also share in
hank you so much for your email. there are so many times that my husband or i just look at each other and smile and say, "i am (you are) so pregnant." And yes, you too my friend are pregnant! the emotions, fears, longings, excitement...it is all familiar to my own buldging belly.
don't know if this next part will be helpful to you or not, but i experienced having to fight against a lot of fear when i was pregnant with titus after loosing baby I* from our miscarriage. So, one thing i did (that was SOOO helpful) when i was pregnant with titus was to say a phrase EVERY DAY :) that helped me battle against that fear. You could choose any phrase that is filled with truth and promises that works for you. I said mine in the shower each morning. i would look down at my tummy and speak to the baby with all the strength i had saying..."Baby, i love you. Baby, Jesus loves you. God is good and will do what is right. Let us worship together."
i was determined to at least strive (IN ALL MY WEAKNESS) to 1)love this baby no matter how long or short his/her life was planned to be and 2) worship no matter what joy or pain came my way. So, that phrase worked for me. It was a sweet little secret that me and baby titus had together :) Once he was born i held him in my arms and overwhelmed with love whispered the same phrase in his ear with tears running down my face! So, anyway, just felt like God laid that on my heart to share with you. We will be praying for you as you THREE begin this beautiful journey of blessing. i can't wait to see all that God has in store for us through this.
Also, i had so many of my girl friends who were a step ahead (some 3 months ahead of me in pregnancy and some with a child already). But, these girls made me feel so comfortable when i had questions of any and every sort. so, i just want you to know that it is not only ok to ask me any and every question in the world, but it brings me JOY to answer what i can for you!!!! i had a group of girls that i called my "mommy manual team" and still send out regular emails with all me developmental questions. i have also documented A LOT of things on my computer about babies that may be able to help, so please make use of those resources. so, a long way to say, please call or email me whenever you need anything. :)
Love, A truth speaking expectant friend